i need someone to talk to - DPChallenge Forums

Nikon AF-S NIKKOR 200-500mm f/5.6E ED VR

03/28/2005 10:06:47 PM · #1

i need an opinion on something. A family member has a 3 yr old son who is in my eyes being neglected. She speaks to him very badly, didnt get him an egg for easter, when she visits us she never has food for him and when i feed him he shoves it in his mouth like it is the last meal he is going to get. He is naughty, throws tantrums, hurts my kids, bites, etc..
My question is this... In my heart i dont believe she should have him in her care at all. I just dont know how to go about this. She is my husbands sister. She has had her own issues with mental illness etc. I am so mad at her that i just want to take him in and look after him myself. I worry for his safety. He has lived in 13 homes in his 3 short years of life, has no structure and no boundaries. When he is being naughty she tells him she is going to give him up for adoption or she is going to find his "druggie" dad and hand him back to him. Arrghh, i can feel myself getting so worked up. I just dont know what to do, i cant sit back and let it happen. I was neglected as a child and it is really hitting home in such a big way.
Any suggestions?
Lisa

RulerZigzag

Nikon D750

03/28/2005 10:11:32 PM · #2

Hey lentil..sounds like a real sad case to me. I really think it's up to you to determine the life of this child. It takes time, maybe another 3 years for him to learn not to hit and throw tantrums, but this kid is way too young to be treated like that. If you can...take him with you whenever you take your kids somewhere. DEFINATLY bring up the situation to his parents even if you feel like you should mind your business. Family is family

Canon EF-S 55-250mm f/4-5.6 IS

03/28/2005 10:13:10 PM · #3

his mum gets really defensive when anything is brought up about him. his dad is not on the scene, and beleive me that is a good thing. As much as i like having him, my kids suffer when he is around. i just dont know what to do

Canon EOS-60D

03/28/2005 10:14:25 PM · #4

Lisa,
This, of course, is my opinion...but I strongly urge you to call Child Protective Services immediately (or whatever the Australian equivalent is). Family or not, her behavior is abusive AND neglectful and she, at minimum, needs parenting skills training, personal counseling, and they could both do with some family therapy. You have to report it to someone. This is one of those problems that is just too big to deal with alone. I'm sure you can report anonymously as well, like we can in the states. Your nephew and sister-in-law will be glad you did someday. You could be saving two lives.

Hugs,
Laurie

frychikn

Olympus C-5050Z

03/28/2005 10:15:28 PM · #5

Have you discussed this with your husband?

TooCool

Canon EOS-300D Rebel

Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II

03/28/2005 10:16:47 PM · #6

Laurie beat me to the punch. When you call them, you may be able to offer to take the child into your custody also. Given enough love, this child should be able to be turned around...

khrys

Canon PowerShot Pro1

03/28/2005 10:16:53 PM · #7

I'm not active in the forums, but I couldn't let this go by... it's difficult to offer advise when all the background isn't out there to make a competent decision from. However, in this case it sounds like things have been horrific for the entirety of this little one's life.

Since you know what is best and can see the trouble, do take the situation to heart, and take the time to take action in the best interest of the child, especially if you have some influence, or if you are in a position to do so.

Personally, my thoughts are that no child should be subjected to this type of treatment, and though "mom" may get a little out of joint over it, it's best this child is in a place where he is safe, cared for, and loved.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it isn't an emotional reaction, and consider the child first. It sounds from your post as if you already have. My best wishes for this little guy. He deserves a better life.

nevillec

Nikon D300

03/28/2005 10:18:44 PM · #8

The first route to go is of course the "official" one - whatever they can or will do will be better than what the child is going through now. As a father of 2 myself (6 and 7) I have a lot of empathy - my suggestion would be to do something sooner rather than later. Good luck.

dsidwell

Canon EF 17-40mm f/4L USM

03/28/2005 10:19:06 PM · #9

This is a very difficult situation! I'm not sure how close you are to the mother, but from your very short description of the problem, this boy is AT RISK for many difficulties in the future. If this were a mother you did not know, I might suggest reporting the mother to Child or Welfare Services in your state, describing the case in detail.

I agree with RulerZigzag. This boy's literal future is at stake. Be as loving and as blunt as you can with the mother. You can preface your discussion with lots of love for your sister(?), but think hard, pray hard, and find a way to bring this up. Perhaps she has a parent with whom you can speak?

We can suggest a lot, but without knowing intimate details about you, the mother and the boy, all we can do is grope and guess. If you are religious, pray a lot and ask for suggestions! Help will come. Good luck!

03/28/2005 10:22:33 PM · #10

i know in my heart that i need to ring DOCS (dept of community services) but they have been out to her before and they see he is dressed, has toys in his room and that is it.
This is a really tough one for me. I am having trouble determining what to do because i am close to his mum. My husband sees what is happening but i dont think he realises the full implications of what she is doing to him.
I will have a very hard think

Canon EF-S 55-250mm f/4-5.6 IS

03/28/2005 10:24:05 PM · #11

thanks for your input i shouldnt of brought it up, i am just home alone and thinking too much

Canon EOS-60D

03/28/2005 10:25:15 PM · #12

Lisa,

If the DOCS has been out before, it's IMPERATIVE that you keep reporting. That's kind of how CPS works over here. They respond to the call, and usually it's a lukewarm response at best, but if you KEEP calling and reporting, the paper trail builds up and they finally see the full situation. It might seem like you are spinning your wheels but eventually it will pay off. Don't give up. :o)

kirbic

Canon EOS R5

Canon RF 24-70 f2.8 L IS

03/28/2005 10:25:32 PM · #13

I agree strongly with all who have psted that immediate action is called for. Please do discuss this with your husband though, you two should make this difficult decision together. Show him this thread, and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. It will be difficult for him to accept since she is his sister. Please let us know how things progress.

aussie

Canon EOS-300D Rebel

Canon EF 90-300mm f/4.5-5.6 USM

03/28/2005 10:47:13 PM · #14

Lisa

Call DOCS NOW!! Don't think about it, just do it (sry to be blunt, but the poor three year old child can't speak for himself) You will be the backbone for this child and he will thank you one day for taking him away from this horrid environment. It's really the best thing you could ever do for this child!!

I wish you all the best Lisa!!

Lydia :)

clicker

Canon PowerShot G2

03/28/2005 10:52:39 PM · #15

Get a professional legal consult and learn your options.
If not free, money well spent...

Canon PowerShot Pro 90 IS

03/28/2005 10:56:13 PM · #16

i feel so sick about it. I have got the phone book out looking for number right now
wish me luck

TooCool

Canon EOS-300D Rebel

Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II

03/28/2005 11:01:47 PM · #17

Luck and love to you and all those involved...

Catbird

Fujifilm FinePix S5100

03/28/2005 11:03:56 PM · #18

Wishing you luck and saying a prayer for all involved (you and your husband, the kid, her, her husband, the bio father, your husband, the DOCS workers, etc.). Best wishes for the entire situation.
-Annette

coolhar

03/28/2005 11:04:12 PM · #19

Originally posted by lentil:

... i shouldnt of brought it up ...

That's a wrong thought there. I think you need help with the decisions you have to make; and airing the situation here may help you to think your way through it.

It's seems obvious that the child's mother really doesn't want to be a mother but feels guilty about it.

Your husband's position is going to be pivitol. If you can talk to him and he can be convinced that action is necessary, the two of you together may be able to talk the mother into letting you raise the boy. If your husband doesn't see it as you do, and doesn't want to get involved, then you probably need to go the route of anonymously reporting the case to authorities. Letting your sister-in-law's problems cause a split between and your husband won't do the child, or anyone else, any good.

Whatever the solution, the sooner the situation changes the sooner the boy will begin to come around to a more normal way of being.

Wishes of good luck to you and hope for the boy.

Kylie

Panasonic Lumix DMC-FZ35

03/28/2005 11:05:15 PM · #20

OMG, Lisa. Do whatever you can, at any risk. I pray you can do this. No one protected me, and I kept waiting for one of the adults in my world to help me when I was little. They never did. I can't stand to see a child even scolded underservedly at this point. Please find the means to do whatever you can. Sorry - this is a very emotional plea on my part.

Canon EF 70-200mm f/4.0L USM

03/28/2005 11:15:30 PM · #21

kylie you dont have to be sorry, you and i both know what it is like to be in this kind of situation. I just rang and they have a recording wanting name and number and they will get back to me.
I seriously dont think she is physically abusive to him, i have never seen bruises etc on him (I see him alot). I was just talking to my other sister inlaw about it and we are going to do a joint discussion with her. That is me, my husband, sister inlaw and her partner. I dont know if this will do anything for her because at the moment the sister inlaw in question has a bad case of sibling rivalry. I am pretty sure if Rob spoke to her she might pay attention. She has alot of respect for Rob (as far as i know unless she is lying about that too). So at this stage i have left my name, and i will get Rob to talk to her. I would gladly take this child under my wings. i am not sure she would allow it though. I will keep all posted, but beleive me i will not let this go by without doing anything.
Lisa
PS. Thank you for all your support. i am so glad to have you guys

karmat

Apple iPhone 7

03/28/2005 11:24:46 PM · #22

That is a tough pickle to be in. My little boy is three also, and though it seems a lot of times things are going in one ear and out the other, he seems to see and hear everything. I know how he reacts if I jsut have to get on to him a little bit. This littly tyke needs safety adn security and love. Hang in there.

Kylie

Panasonic Lumix DMC-FZ35

03/28/2005 11:25:55 PM · #23

Originally posted by lentil:

Just one last word and I promise I will be quiet. Verbal abuse is ten times worse than physcial im many ways, and it has been documented as such. At least with physical, you have something to show. Mental and verbal abuse, as I said, is what kills the spirit. Please never think it is any less "real" or significant. I once had the police out as an adult for my ex-spouse, and even after I told them he had not struck me, they still cmae out and dealt with it as just as important of a call.