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06/02/2005 02:52:22 PM · #76 |
Originally posted by happyehello:
I have a question related to this. Is there any program out there that will have a login like windows with a timer like AOL. We all share a computer, but I will be getting my own so the kids will share this computer and it will go in family room which is removed slightly from immediate area. My son spends too much time to my liking on the computer(he gets told to do domething else alot). The computer will be shared between him and his sister. I already have lots and lots of things blocked, read histories, password for downloads, but would like to allow only a set amount of time per day per user. Any ideas? |
Good question. My SIL(sister-in-law) is also looking for something like to limit her kids time on the internet. Is there such an invention and if so can you put a lock out code on it so that the child can't just turn the computer on (my 4 y.o knows how to turn it back on and wait for it to log back on).
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06/02/2005 03:07:15 PM · #77 |
Originally posted by kpriest:
Bobster and Netzie - Your parents obviously didn't seem to handle things appropriately, IMO, but keep in mind they kept you alive. Heck I still don't handle things appropriately all the time.
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Keeping a child alive means nothing if the relationship you have with the child is forever damaged. You may as well not have children.
It is exceptionally difficult to begin to once again trust someone that shatters trust. Due to the trust that has been shattered, I have simply never felt extremely comfortable with those family members.
I spend more time with my wife and her family for every holiday then I feel interested in spending with my own family.
If you never want to have to betray trust, don't put yourself into the situation where trust can or "needs" to be betrayed. In the case of computers in their own room, that just shouldn't happen, until they are adults, still living under your roof.
The same goes for Televisions. In fact, my wife and I will never allow televisions in bedrooms. Bedrooms are for sleeping, studying and quiet reflection. We plan on only having one television, possibly two, so that TV time will most always be 'family time'.
That won't work for everyone, but it will cut down on opportunities to betray trust. If you don't have those opportunities, then you won't run into problems where you have to consider betraying trust.
Honestly, I believe that the best course of action would be to simply bring the PC into the family room and that's it. Play it off that you simply want to spend more time with your child, even if that means you both you will be sitting in front of seperate workstations doing your own thing.
At least you will be able to talk to one another, pretty easily. |
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06/02/2005 03:18:04 PM · #78 |
Originally posted by Nelzie:
Keeping a child alive means nothing if the relationship you have with the child is forever damaged. You may as well not have children.
It is exceptionally difficult to begin to once again trust someone that shatters trust. Due to the trust that has been shattered, I have simply never felt extremely comfortable with those family members. |
Nelzie,
I'm sorry that you can't feel comfortable with members of your own family, but at least you are alive to feel.
And I disagree with you. Keeping a child alive and safe is worth any risk to a parent. Any risk.
I would much rather do my duty as a parent to protect my child from harm and have that child hate my guts for the rest of my life than to hide behind the shield of 'her privacy is what matters and I should trust her' and have to bear the very real and debilitating grief of that child's life being taken away.
And there are things worse than death. How would my child feel about me if I let her get into a situation where she was molested/raped/abused? What if she later found out that I could have prevented/averted that situation by monitoring her activities/chats/etc. and didn't do it? How would I feel in that situation?
Just a couple of thoughts....
Sara
Message edited by author 2005-06-02 15:19:12.
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06/02/2005 03:20:57 PM · #79 |
Originally posted by happyehello:
I have a question related to this. Is there any program out there that will have a login like windows with a timer like AOL. We all share a computer, but I will be getting my own so the kids will share this computer and it will go in family room which is removed slightly from immediate area. My son spends too much time to my liking on the computer(he gets told to do domething else alot). The computer will be shared between him and his sister. I already have lots and lots of things blocked, read histories, password for downloads, but would like to allow only a set amount of time per day per user. Any ideas? |
Yeah.
Take a college course at your local community college for Windows Server 2003. Once you have done that, pick up a copy of the Windows 2003 Small Business Server (Around $1500 for the software alone). This will allow you to build a Windows Domain Controller that will, among other things, allow you to set login and logoff times for individual users on your network.
You will also be able to set up a Proxy server, where you can block adult sites and also log all web sit connection activities.
You will need a decent firewall in place in order to make it possible for just the server itself to have direct Internet access.
If that is to much money for you. (Since the classes for Microsoft Certifications are typically insanely expensive as well...)
Go to www.linuxiso.org and start reading through the various Linux distributions. Download the one you like, they are all freely available for download, get a spare or old PC and then install Linux as a server.
You can use Squid as a proxy server that blocks porn sites and also logs the web sites that individual users connect to. (It can be setup for individual users/passwords, which I have setup at the office myself.)
The Linux approach will take you longer to setup, but that's just because you will have to learn more. Of course, once it is setup, you can just leave it sit for a very, very long time without intervention.
You will still need a router that will only let the Linux server connect to the Internet.
Beyond that, I know of not a single consumer level product that will allow such things. It is possible, however unlikely, that Windows XP Professional has something like that built-in to the user policies. (Which reminds me, if you want to build a Windows Domain Controller or a Samba Domain Controller for Linux, the workstations need to be running Windows XP Professional or Windows 2000 Professional in order to benefit from only allowing certain people to get onto the network at certain times.) |
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06/02/2005 03:32:25 PM · #80 |
Originally posted by saracat:
Nelzie,
I'm sorry that you can't feel comfortable with members of your own family, but at least you are alive to feel.
And I disagree with you. Keeping a child alive and safe is worth any risk to a parent. Any risk.
I would much rather do my duty as a parent to protect my child from harm and have that child hate my guts for the rest of my life than to hide behind the shield of 'her privacy is what matters and I should trust her' and have to bear the very real and debilitating grief of that child's life being taken away.
And there are things worse than death. How would my child feel about me if I let her get into a situation where she was molested/raped/abused? What if she later found out that I could have prevented/averted that situation by monitoring her activities/chats/etc. and didn't do it? How would I feel in that situation?
Just a couple of thoughts....
Sara |
You need to read the remainder of what I posted once again. The best thing to do is to simply avoid ever needing to come to the conclusion that trust must be violated.
With the PC, TV and Console games, that is very, very easy to do. Those things need to be only available in a central family area. Then, there can be no trust or loss of trust issues relating to those elements since they will always be out in the open, period.
Beyond that, communication is key. If you have those entertainment elements in a regular family area, then it is easier to have regular communication with your children.
That's how my wife was raised and she perfectly trusts her parents in ways that I at first found troubling, but have since grown to understand. Her family communicates and gets along well together.
Again, that's what I am advocating. Simply eliminate most of the reasons to break trust over certain activities, by moving those activities into the open or always keeping those activities in the open in the first place and you never have to worry about breaking trust. |
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06/02/2005 03:33:38 PM · #81 |
Originally posted by saracat:
Originally posted by Nelzie:
Keeping a child alive means nothing if the relationship you have with the child is forever damaged. You may as well not have children.
It is exceptionally difficult to begin to once again trust someone that shatters trust. Due to the trust that has been shattered, I have simply never felt extremely comfortable with those family members. |
Nelzie,
I'm sorry that you can't feel comfortable with members of your own family, but at least you are alive to feel.
And I disagree with you. Keeping a child alive and safe is worth any risk to a parent. Any risk.
I would much rather do my duty as a parent to protect my child from harm and have that child hate my guts for the rest of my life than to hide behind the shield of 'her privacy is what matters and I should trust her' and have to bear the very real and debilitating grief of that child's life being taken away.
And there are things worse than death. How would my child feel about me if I let her get into a situation where she was molested/raped/abused? What if she later found out that I could have prevented/averted that situation by monitoring her activities/chats/etc. and didn't do it? How would I feel in that situation?
Just a couple of thoughts....
Sara |
You obviously didn't read the rest of the post.
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06/02/2005 03:38:12 PM · #82 |
Originally posted by Nelzie:
Originally posted by kpriest:
Bobster and Netzie - Your parents obviously didn't seem to handle things appropriately, IMO, but keep in mind they kept you alive. Heck I still don't handle things appropriately all the time.
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Keeping a child alive means nothing if the relationship you have with the child is forever damaged. You may as well not have children.
It is exceptionally difficult to begin to once again trust someone that shatters trust. Due to the trust that has been shattered, I have simply never felt extremely comfortable with those family members.
I spend more time with my wife and her family for every holiday then I feel interested in spending with my own family.
If you never want to have to betray trust, don't put yourself into the situation where trust can or "needs" to be betrayed. In the case of computers in their own room, that just shouldn't happen, until they are adults, still living under your roof.
The same goes for Televisions. In fact, my wife and I will never allow televisions in bedrooms. Bedrooms are for sleeping, studying and quiet reflection. We plan on only having one television, possibly two, so that TV time will most always be 'family time'.
That won't work for everyone, but it will cut down on opportunities to betray trust. If you don't have those opportunities, then you won't run into problems where you have to consider betraying trust.
Honestly, I believe that the best course of action would be to simply bring the PC into the family room and that's it. Play it off that you simply want to spend more time with your child, even if that means you both you will be sitting in front of seperate workstations doing your own thing.
At least you will be able to talk to one another, pretty easily. |
Very good points, and I agree with it all. I'm not a parent, but I am a caregiver of children, and have seen many different parenting methods at work over various lengths of times. My thoughts are that there is absolutely no solidly good reason to allow a child of any age, while they are living at home, to have a TV, video game system, or computer in their bedroom. One of the only exceptions to this would be a computer (non-internet capable), for homework purposes in the bedroom if another quiet place in the house isn't readily available.
Of course, this is just my opinion, and I'm not saying that other parenting methods are necessarily wrong. I'm just saying that nothing I've witnessed in almost 10 years of working for parents gives me any reason to believe that having TVs/video games/internet in a childs or teenagers bedroom is ever a positive thing.
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06/02/2005 03:43:04 PM · #83 |
To be honest...he's probably flirting with females...and who'd want mom to see such...
A big question is how OLD is he. This makes a big difference. If he's over 15, spying on him will cause major issues - and undermine trust - right before he's ready to move out (3 yrs or so). You're better off just talking.
Also, realize that for many young males, particularly on the nerdy / less popular side. The internet can be the only means of a viable social life. Children and young adults are socially cruel to each other.
There's a lot that is tied up at this age. It's also an age of privacy - when a young man wants privacy. Breaking trust can be more harmful in the long run. Sure you could find out he's flirting with a 35 yr old dominatrix. Do you think he's going to just stop if you catch him? No he'll feel betrayed and lose trust. If you talked to him. And did so understandingly, maybe you get him to share. But most young men when entering the world of sexuality are terrified of their parents.
"Have done that but he says he is just talking to friends. I have informed him of the dangers of the Internet."
[[[What if he's telling the truth?]]]
"If I load any software to view his activities he will be shown before I even look at anything."
[[[Okay, that's much better...
I know there is a software tool (my pastor mentioned it), where it will email a list of all viewed sites to a set email. I forget the name but you could probably find it or a similar tool on google.com
]]]
"First of all you can pretty much ignore any advice from anyone who is not a parent. No offense, but until you've been on this side, you have no clue, I know people will give me crap for saying that, but that has been my experience without exception."
[[[Kpriest, I disagree with you here. I've given many parents good advise. In fact, my parents said the same thing about marriage but later agreed I made some good insights. ;) ]]]
Now realize, I am not advocating doing nothing. But realize that "trust" is the strongest aspect a parental relationship can benefit from in the long run. If a child trusts a parent he'll listen to their admonishments.
Now, I don't consider monitoring software a trust issue. Just putting it on secretly, listening on phone calls, etc. Without first talking to the child. Install the software or monitor but let them know. Sit down and explain how precious they are. And make sure you are showing them that in other ways.
Don't expect your teenage son to want to be in the 'family circle' outings. It's the time when they start to break away. Firm understanding. That means that they may disagree with your decision too, but you've let them know exactly why.
And if they don't understand why - just say "ol' mom/dad is a cornball and just wants to make sure your safe - probably foolish of me but it'll help keep my blood pressure down and keep me around for a few more years"
;)
Also for you older types, realize that many people find deeper and more fulfilling social lives online than in the real world. Why? An individual might not fit the norm of the local area and be ostracized. A sci-fi nerd in boondocks of Tennessee for example. But that same person can find like-minded friends online and not feel ostracized.
Be real up front with your kids. Find out how they feel about their social lives? do they feel uncool, unpopular, like they don't fit in. Realize it may very well be true. If so, see if you can find group/activities that your kid is interested in and support them.
For instance, if said sci-fi Nerd in Tennessee is not fitting in. Maybe you can find a local chapter of the 501st Legion (Star Wars fan group that dress up in outfits) or a gaming group or take them to a Sci-Fi Convention. These things might help them out a bit....not feeling so alone!
DUTY & TRUST CAN BOTH BE MAINTAINED!
Message edited by author 2005-06-02 15:58:36. |
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06/02/2005 04:06:21 PM · #84 |
Originally posted by Britannica:
A lot of you are going to give your kids a complex.
Seriously. You worried about your kid not talking to you -- that's good. But, you don't need to be finding out what they are not talking to you about, that is probably something quite trivial. I'll give you the benefit of doubt that if you thought it was anything but trivial they would not have a computer in their room anymore. You need to find out why they won't talk to you -- the what is immaterial. And don't give me that hog-wash about trusting them; that you just want to check to make sure. It is simply not possible for a sane individual to trust someone that is not willing to communicate with them.
Sure you have the right to enforce greater and greater restrictions if they don't cave in to your will -- and they have the right to resent it and find greater and greater ways to hide what they are doing. It's a cold war on a family scale, a fight for dominance over their individuality.
Privacy is very important for any age but especially for teenagers. it is only when they are alone that they can hear their own thoughts -- and only then can they make the decisions that will shape who they are to become. Give them no privacy and the only choice they have is to become who ever the group they are in wants them to be -- in a family environment that may not be so bad, but it's not a good habit to saddle someone with when they enter the world at large. Peer pressure is a mighty powerful thing to those without the practice at deciding things for themselves. Sure they will make mistakes, but some have to be made -- noone has ever learned to do anything without making mistakes. Living a life is the same as any other activity in this regard.
Sorry if this came off a bit hard, and is certainly not intended to be taken as a personal attack -- but it's a subject that is too important to be sugar-coated out of existence. The main thrust of what I was trying to say is simply to not concentrate so much on what the child is doing, that will only sidetrack you efforts. Concentrate instead of who the child is (and not, perhaps, who you fear they are becoming) and the rest will work itself out in the end.
David
BTW: It doesn't take a parent to know what a teenager is like, that will just give you another outside viewpoint -- it takes someone who has been a teenager to see things from the same viewpoint. ;) |
I think your point is skewed. I looked at your portfolio and you are 38 and I'm 39. So we both are about the same age. Yes when we were teens we had to work things out on our own BUT we only had to deal with peer pressure to use was with our friends and ones we knew and most of the time could put a face to. We didn't have the INTERNET where a 30,40,50,etc. age person could take on a roll of a child. So using our teenage year to compare to a teenage in todays time is trivial.
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06/02/2005 04:10:52 PM · #85 |
Originally posted by Artyste:
You obviously didn't read the rest of the post. |
Why oviously? Because I didn't address each topic as it was written?
Yes, I did read the rest of the post, and I agree with it. I simply did not see the need to repeat it, and I felt that it was irrelevant to the point I was making in my previous post.
Yes, it is important to build trust with and of your children, and yes, some methods work better than others, and yes, if you can curtail the amount of time that your child spends on TV/games/'net/whatever from the get-go then that automatically curtails the amount of time that he/she is exposed to whatenver you're trying to protect them from. Same holds true for monitoring what they do online and what they watch, who they hang out with, etc.
However, if I feel that my child may be in a situation where my betraying their trust will save their life (or save them from rape/abuse/molestation), I will most definately sacrifice their perception of that 'trust' in order to save my child, whatever their age may be. I feel that it is my responsibility as a parent to do no less.
And by the same token, I feel that if you care enough to explain this (repeadtedly) to your children as they are growing up, then I feel that, with time and understanding of the situation on both sides healing can occur and trust can be rebuilt.
The parent-child relationship is (and always has and always will be) a two-way street, just like any other relationship. In this relationship however, unlike many others, I am responsible for the other person's health, well-being, and safety, and I'm doggone well going to use all of the tools at my disposal to ensure that person's health, well-being, and safety, and possibly their very survival. If trust dies, with work it can be refounded and rebuilt. If a child dies, there is no rebuilding of that life.
It's not always a matter of whether or not you 'trust' your child. Children can be seduced, manipulated, and led astray, all the while thinking that what they're doing 'isn't so bad' or isn't dangerous or 'mom and dad won't find out about this so I don't have to worry' or 'I'll only do it this one time', and they end up finding themselves in situations they cannot physically or emotionally get out of. This I know from first-hand experience. Children, especially young children, can also be physically dominated to the point where they themselves can do nothing.
In any case, simply limiting/monitoring the time they spend online/watching shows/whatever at home will not absolve you from having to deal with problems that come up dealing with trust. It will reduce the amount of problems you have to deal with - IF you're lucky. Some children/teens (myself included) find other ways to get around parental limits about electronics - just like any other rule that is set up.
You should not assume that just because your child is smart/streetsmart/trustworthy/honest/good/well-behaved/whatever that they will recognize dangers that they haven't encountered yet. And children that seem to be well-behaved/trustworthy/honest/whatever often rebel against their parents without much warning and they often go much farther with their rebellion than their parents would suspect. Again, this is first hand experience talking.
And that was my point.
Sara
Message edited by author 2005-06-02 16:13:36.
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06/02/2005 04:22:54 PM · #86 |
I have read through this thread and I don't think I have seen anyone pick up on the point that if you restrict or spy on your child there is nothing to stop him or her going down the road to a friend's house where restrictions are not in place. They can go to an Internet cafe and log on. they can use the school computers.
The most important and effective support you can give is by having an open relationship with your children that allows you both to discuss matters like this without fear of condemnation. I trtied very hard to listen to my two children as teenagers, be honest with them about what was worrying me about their behaviour and why. They in return listened to me, talked openly to me (too much information at times!!!) and I trusted them to live within the rules of the family. Now I am absolutely sure they occasionally broke the rules but they understood the dangers out in the world and were prepared
You cannot protect children from all dangers throughout their lives. At some point they will not be under your supervision and need to know how to deal with things they must face. Only by giving them the information they can use to safeguard themselves and then trusting them to stick by the values you as parents have engendered can you prepare children for life.
SO I would say talk, talk, and talk more, don;t dictate what they should do, discuss it and then trust them to do the right thing. Give them privacy and believe in them unless there is a really good reason not to( such as drug addiction). Give respect and they will give it back by obeying your family rules.
Enough of this rant
Thank you to all my readers!!!!:) |
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06/02/2005 04:34:45 PM · #87 |
Originally posted by Riponlady:
I have read through this thread and I don't think I have seen anyone pick up on the point that if you restrict or spy on your child there is nothing to stop him or her going down the road to a friend's house where restrictions are not in place. They can go to an Internet cafe and log on. they can use the school computers. |
Umm, how 'bout this:
Originally posted by saracat:
In any case, simply limiting/monitoring the time they spend online/watching shows/whatever at home will not absolve you from having to deal with problems that come up dealing with trust. It will reduce the amount of problems you have to deal with - IF you're lucky. Some children/teens (myself included) find other ways to get around parental limits about electronics - just like any other rule that is set up. |
And I know there was at least one other reference. Just not in so many words...
:)
Sara
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06/02/2005 04:36:25 PM · #88 |
Originally posted by Nelzie:
You need to read the remainder of what I posted once again. The best thing to do is to simply avoid ever needing to come to the conclusion that trust must be violated.
... that's what I am advocating. Simply eliminate most of the reasons to break trust over certain activities, by moving those activities into the open or always keeping those activities in the open in the first place and you never have to worry about breaking trust. |
As I poseted in repsonse to Artyste, I'm not disagreeing with you that prevention of betrayal is the best way to go. I'm simply pointing out that attempts at prevention (such as restricting when/where/and how long computers/tv's are in use) will not always work, and that it is far better (in my mind) to betray the child's perception of my trust in him by invading privacy/monitoring software/whatever than it is to betray his trust in me that I will protect him.
If I fail to protect my child I may never get another chance to try, whereas if I break his perception of my trust of him, I can at least attempt to rebuild that perception of trust.
Message edited by author 2005-06-02 16:41:16.
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06/02/2005 04:37:40 PM · #89 |
Originally posted by Riponlady:
I have read through this thread and I don't think I have seen anyone pick up on the point that if you restrict or spy on your child there is nothing to stop him or her going down the road to a friend's house where restrictions are not in place. They can go to an Internet cafe and log on. they can use the school computers.
The most important and effective support you can give is by having an open relationship with your children that allows you both to discuss matters like this without fear of condemnation. I trtied very hard to listen to my two children as teenagers, be honest with them about what was worrying me about their behaviour and why. They in return listened to me, talked openly to me (too much information at times!!!) and I trusted them to live within the rules of the family. Now I am absolutely sure they occasionally broke the rules but they understood the dangers out in the world and were prepared
You cannot protect children from all dangers throughout their lives. At some point they will not be under your supervision and need to know how to deal with things they must face. Only by giving them the information they can use to safeguard themselves and then trusting them to stick by the values you as parents have engendered can you prepare children for life.
SO I would say talk, talk, and talk more, don;t dictate what they should do, discuss it and then trust them to do the right thing. Give them privacy and believe in them unless there is a really good reason not to( such as drug addiction). Give respect and they will give it back by obeying your family rules.
Enough of this rant
Thank you to all my readers!!!!:) |
I completely agree with you, which is why those things need to be in family areas, which will help foster communication. With that communication comes trust and with that trust, you can hopefully teach your children to protect themselves by making the right choices.
Otherwise, you might end up with children that you will continue to be raising well into their 30's and 40's. (I know a few people like this, their parents were so overprotective that they simply didn't learn to really live on their own and cope with their own lives...) |
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06/02/2005 05:47:20 PM · #90 |
So what exactly are the main concerns with children on the internet? Please don't write me 5 pages, this is something that can be done in bullets.
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06/02/2005 05:58:21 PM · #91 |
Originally posted by kyebosh:
So what exactly are the main concerns with children on the internet? Please don't write me 5 pages, this is something that can be done in bullets. |
- Fear of vulnerability to online predators
- Increased exposure to negative inluences (porn/nudity/pro-drug images/et al)
- Increased chance of social isolationism
- Increased risk of obesity and other health risks
- Decreased social time with family and physical friend/relationships
These are a few. Also, it must be noted that it's not just "children on the internet" that is the prime concern, but teenagers with access to unsupervised internet in their own rooms.. as far as I read the thread.
Message edited by author 2005-06-02 17:58:43.
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06/02/2005 07:56:21 PM · #92 |
I would expect that a firewall can be setup to disallow access to sites via a blacklist, or only allow access to certain sites via a whitelist.
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06/02/2005 09:04:19 PM · #93 |
Originally posted by hankk:
How do you know your parents were oblivious? |
Trust me, they were oblivious. My dad was pretty abusive and controlling, but was rarely home. My mom (God bless her) was the doting wife that avoided conflict at all costs. By the age of 12, I had cut access holes all over the house to get into the attic, I built a rail system up there (got the idea from "The Great Escape"), had a mattress, most of my dad's liquor, all of his guns (he didn't even remember where he put 'em) and it was my party pad! I lived up there for a few years. When my parents thought I went to my room, I would just go into the closet, up through the secret hole I cut in the ceiling and into my pad! From there, I could get out another access hole onto the roof and off I go! I had friends up there partying all the time.
So there you have it - O b l i v i o u s. :)
Geez, Looks like I have to read a bunch more since I was here this morning...
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06/02/2005 09:33:31 PM · #94 |
| the child is yours and you are responsible until he comes of age, what he does is of your concern you can install dameware which will allow you to connect to the pc hes on and in a sence your screen will reflect what his screen is doing, you can make it obvious thay you are observing or you can do it without his knowledge. if the computer is your property you have the right to control what goes on with your property and be aware of its use. there is no privacy issue here... your computer, your son, your home... |
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06/02/2005 09:36:17 PM · #95 |
Originally posted by PerezDesignGroup:
Be careful with apps like VNC. When you terminal in, it substantially slows down the computer he is on. He may realize this when he pulls up Task Manager and sees heavy VNC usage. Back when I worked at Call Centers, it was easy to tell we were being monitored using this method.
Also, when you use VNC, you have the ability to move the mouse for him. If done accidentally, it'll tip him off.
Needless to say, either scenario will impact any trust that currently exists. |
Disable task manager.... and disable other programs they have proven to misuse. be liberal when they have proven they can be trusted.
"Where much is given, Much is expected" |
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06/02/2005 09:39:45 PM · #96 |
Just like to add - I don't think anyone who is on the side of monitoring here is saying it is a substitute for maintaining a good relationship with your child - I think everyone agrees that it is important to trust them and let them make choices and face consequences of those choices. I also said that my mistake when I raised the first 3 kids was reacting to nearly everything I saw when I checked up on them - even though I have always been up front in telling them and reminding them that I monitor their communications for their protection. Now I choose my battles and battle plans more carefully and almost never let the kids know that I found out something by monitoring or spying - I make it look like they made it impossible for me not to find out or tell them that I found out from another parent or I got an email from the ISP about some banned sites that were accessed or whatever. While you need to let them know you are monitoring, you can't let them know it's effective. ;-)
I could go into at least two situations some years back that remind me that if I had not been monitoring, my straight A, honor student, trustworthy, level headed daughter would clearly have been in a life threatening situation if not dead in either or both of those situations. So, like saracat says, it is a parent's job to keep the kids alive until adulthood. If you can do that and be good friends, you get a huge bonus. And if your adult kids hate you, it's not likely because of the monitoring / privacy issue, but even if it is, at least they are alive and once they have children of their own, they will better understand.
As far as non-parents advice or insight - I do appreciate it and welcome it and listen with an open mind - but I can tell you that it is much like an Army sergeant with no experience in battle, telling hardened war vets what to do in this situation or that situation. You can reason things out theoretically, but there are way more variables than most people realize.
And to those of you who got through it without any problems and without spying or being spyed on, good for you! You and/or your parents are exceptional! :)
Whew! My fingers are out of breath.
Good luck, whatever you do, Scott. I'll say a prayer for you and all the other parents who are, or will be raising teenagers. Hope you'll do the same for me. :)
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06/02/2005 09:39:46 PM · #97 |
Here's an idea that I didn't see anyone else have. Because of the cost of a decent computer, usually as a teenager, the parent owns the computer. Well, you as the parent can put what ever rules on this computer as you want. And let them know this. Put up your firewalls, your snooping software, whatever.
Of course, give them a responsibility driven out. They can do whatever they want on a computer that they own. This of course requires them to make money in some way (I'd hope in a legal way), which most likely means holding a job while juggling school work, etc. |
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06/02/2005 09:47:14 PM · #98 |
Originally posted by gusto:
there is no privacy issue here... your computer, your son, your home... |
ahem... "son has his own computer in his room "
I had a similar thing growing up. It was MY computer, not my parents.
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06/02/2005 10:02:48 PM · #99 |
Originally posted by swinging_johnson_v1:
I am a parent of 3.
I have to agree with kpriest about the "if your not a parent" thing.
I too was going to mention RAdmin.
But one more thing. I go a step further. I have administration capabilities on the kids computers. They can't just download crap without a password.
I also don't let them have television, computers or the xbox in the privacy of their rooms. Music is ok.
Teenagers are a weird breed of cat, and to encourage them to be even more disjointed from the family enviroment by letting them retreat to their bedroom to me is just asking for trouble in the long run.
Just another of many opinions I have. |
No TV in the room? Holy cow. If I were your kid, I'd of run away by now lol.
On a more serious note. This being from a kids perspective...
Not that Im a kid, but im close enough that I can speak for them.
My parents are in no way Computer Savvy. My mom can load the computer, play games, and she uses officeworks type programs and thats all. My dad cant even spell, let alone find the on button ;) The fact of the matter is, Kids know a lot more about new technology than that of their parents. I always have.
I think you might be going a bit paranoid, besides... if the kid cant find it on the computer (whatever if is you think he is hiding from you) he can surely find it in other places. Fact of the matter is, things are going to happen no matter how much space of his you invade. Life is about experimenting, failure, heartache, pain, its how we learn. I think parents now a days are so over protective of their kids, and I blame it on the Internet.
To me, anything that can happen on the internet, could happen at the local mall. Different settings, same concepts. For Example...
Scenario 1:
You say he hides all his IMs, Browser Windows, etc... I used to do the same thing when my parents came in. By doing this they feel a tad more protected that you cant see whatever it is your son and Johny did the weekend prior.
Scenario 1:
You drop your kid and a few of his friends at the mall. As soon as you leave, what do you think those kids are doing? Yelling obscene language, chasing girls, doing what teenagers do. As soon as you pull up to pick them up, they all because quiet and all the bad talk stops, or *minimizing their IMs and Browsers*.
That make sense?
In my honest opinion, just let your kid live. No matter how many restrictions you put on, no many how many times you view the sites hes been going to, hes going to continue it, whether it at your house, or his buddies house. No matter what, its gonna happen.
9 out of 10 times, kids make the right decisions if you raised them to trust you, and you trust them. I'll probably get flamed for this, but oh well.
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06/02/2005 10:09:29 PM · #100 |
i scoff at all you internet haters. that's my story and im stickin to it.
don't want your kids meeting up with people? teach them not to do this. in most cases, anyone spying on their children ( in their teens ) will be confronted with the problem that they will either know, or will know how to intervene.
i'm 23, i've been on the internet for.. lets say 11 years. nothing wrong with me...
but besides my opinion on parenting. running 3rd-party programs to log/trace/view your child's screen may open holes in the computer security. it doesn't seem like anyone has addressed this issue. after logging your childrens keys, just make sure you dont go and type in your commonly used password on their PC as the password for your VNC/SpySoftware2000.
and on the anti-privacy note... may i suggest:
//www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/security/5a05/
begin the flames!!!!!
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