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DPChallenge Forums >> General Discussion >> Just for some laughs
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04/23/2016 11:20:40 AM · #1
One day God was hanging out in the Garden of Eden when He realized that Adam seemed sort of down-in-the-dumps. God asked Adam, "Why aren't you happy?" Adam replied that he was lonely.

God said, “Adam, I’m going to give you a companion! She will cook and clean for you, she will bear your children, and she will never wake you in the night to help care for the children. She will not nag, she will not whine, and she will wait on you hand and foot without complaining and with a smile on her face. And she will be called Woman.”

Adam said "That sounds terrific, but what's it going to cost me?". God answered, “An arm and a leg.”

Adam thought about this for a few moments, then said, “What can I get for a rib?”

10/16/2014 07:07:52 AM · #2
Potty humor:

A guy is standing at a urinal. Another guy comes up to the urinal next to him and says,
"Watch yourself, this is where all the dicks hang out."

Message edited by author 2014-10-16 07:10:29.
04/03/2014 03:29:59 PM · #3
Originally posted by GeneralE:

10 Surefire Ways To Annoy A Photography Snob


lol the coffee cup
04/03/2014 02:01:08 PM · #4
10 Surefire Ways To Annoy A Photography Snob
09/28/2013 07:51:41 PM · #5
Back in the '20s or '30s (from a play by Ring Lardner), a woman went to a photographer and asked if he took pictures of children. The photographer said yes, he did take pictures of children.
"How much do you charge?" asked the woman.
"Three dollars a dozen," replied the photographer.
"Well," said the woman. "I guess I'll have to come back later. I've only got eleven."
09/28/2013 06:00:44 PM · #6
' . substr('//assets.amuniversal.com/2c4f4c9001f601311cc0001dd8b71c47', strrpos('//assets.amuniversal.com/2c4f4c9001f601311cc0001dd8b71c47', '/') + 1) . '
12/09/2012 10:24:37 AM · #7
Congress is down to 13% approval, which only shows that there are 13% who are not paying attention.

--Mickey Edwards (former Republican Congressman)
09/03/2012 10:43:30 AM · #8
Originally posted by levyj413:

Originally posted by vawendy:

Church Sign Battle


I think that's pretty funny, but in defense of both Christian groups, I have to point out it's made up. You can make your own church sign images, and the creative mind behind this did just that. The site seems to be down at the moment, but the URL is //www.says-it.com/churchsigns/


Yup -- can't think of a single Catholic church that would believe dogs go to heaven -- but it's still funny. :)
09/03/2012 10:36:57 AM · #9
Originally posted by vawendy:

Church Sign Battle


I think that's pretty funny, but in defense of both Christian groups, I have to point out it's made up. You can make your own church sign images, and the creative mind behind this did just that. The site seems to be down at the moment, but the URL is //www.says-it.com/churchsigns/
09/03/2012 09:57:24 AM · #10
Church Sign Battle
07/01/2012 12:45:29 AM · #11
A male "little person" goes to the doctor complaining of pain.
"What seems to be the problem", asks the doc?
"Well Doc, whenever I walk, I get this terrible pain in my testicles."
Handing the man a gown, the doctor says, "change into this and get up on the table and we'll take a look."
The man removes his clothes and puts on the gown, positioning himself on the table. In walks the doctor and says, "Let's have a look and see what's happening."
The doc takes a look under the gown and announces, "I think I can help you. You can watch if you'd like."
The man cannot watch and turns his head. He hears, 'snip! snip!' and the doctor announces, "There. Now jump down and see if that's any better."
The man gets down and walks a bit. He turns to the doc and asks,"What did you do?"
The doc replies, "I cut two inches off of your cowboy boots!"
06/30/2012 11:36:44 PM · #12
The guys over at the NPR show Car Talk got a letter recently pointing out how, when young kids are taught about religion using unfamiliar words, they aren't always able to remember exactly the right word ...
• St Paul covorted to Christianity and preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.


• Most religions require you to have only one spouse, which is known as monotony.

• The Egyptians drowned in a dessert, after which Moses climbed Mount Cyanide.

• Jesus preached the Golden Rule: "Do one to others, before they do one to you."
06/01/2012 04:47:24 PM · #13
A man takes his Goldfish to the vets and claims it has epilepsy.

The Vet takes a look in the bowl and says it seems to be fine . .

Man says - you have not seen it out of the bowl yet !
10/27/2011 02:02:42 PM · #14
My wife tells this one... I've never understood it but some of you might...

Question : How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer : I don't know! I'm on my THIRD and still can't find one!
10/27/2011 12:27:55 PM · #15
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest
home near a junior high school. He spent the first few
weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon
three young boys full of youthful after-school
enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on
every trash can they encountered. The crashing
percussion continued day after day, until finally the
wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young
percussionists as they banged their way down the
street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of
fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like
that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age.
Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if
you'll promise to come around every day and do your
thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job
on the trash cans.A few days later, the wily retiree
approached them again as they drummed their way down
the street. "Look" he said. "I haven't received my
Social Security (Pension) check yet, so I'm not going
to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be
okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you
think we're going to waste our time beating these cans
around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We
quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest
of his days.
02/26/2011 12:45:19 PM · #16
I don't usually care for this cartoonist's views, but ...

Cell Phone Study
10/29/2010 01:21:41 PM · #17
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Kentville Advertiser Newspaper in Kentville , N.S. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellers, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well , then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya' ll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Co-Op grocery store and asked:
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well , the feller who won got upset So we gave him his
two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Harper's Economic Stimulus package.
10/20/2010 05:42:30 AM · #18
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,

Mr Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that can get to work."

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!

Message edited by author 2010-10-20 05:43:16.
10/19/2010 03:27:13 AM · #19
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

MORAL: There are teachers.... and then there are educators.
10/18/2010 05:10:56 PM · #20
Originally posted by wingyisleeds:

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Seems to me I heard a recent report that the Belgians are on the verge of a civil war/secession ... which makes me worry about a disruption in the world chocolate market ...
10/18/2010 04:42:07 PM · #21
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bast***s". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
10/18/2010 09:16:04 AM · #22
A bloke keeps ringing me up and singing Prince Charming and Stand and Deliver down the phone. I keep telling him to F**k off but he's adamant
10/13/2010 09:58:11 AM · #23
Originally posted by FrankRobinson:

Originally posted by bobonacus:

THIS IS JUST AN INCREDIBLE STORY

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully..

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,

after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Lincoln Park Zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and

walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs

and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


I'm glad that I had already swallowed my coffee before I got to the end of this! You do get funny looks laughing in an open plan office though.

Briefly this did remind me of the true story of two students in 1969 who rescued / bought a lion cub from Harrods, brought him up in their flat and eventually managed to get him re-patriated to Kenya. It's all on Wikipedia here. They went to look for him in 1971 and again in 1974 and he actually did recognise them both times. Those videos are on youtube, under 'Harrods Lion Cub' but I can't get on that site from work.


oh wow!!

Youtube link:
christian the lion
10/13/2010 04:14:05 AM · #24
Originally posted by bobonacus:

THIS IS JUST AN INCREDIBLE STORY

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully..

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,

after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Lincoln Park Zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and

walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs

and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


I'm glad that I had already swallowed my coffee before I got to the end of this! You do get funny looks laughing in an open plan office though.

Briefly this did remind me of the true story of two students in 1969 who rescued / bought a lion cub from Harrods, brought him up in their flat and eventually managed to get him re-patriated to Kenya. It's all on Wikipedia here. They went to look for him in 1971 and again in 1974 and he actually did recognise them both times. Those videos are on youtube, under 'Harrods Lion Cub' but I can't get on that site from work.
10/12/2010 12:28:12 PM · #25
Originally posted by adamelliott111:

A blonde walks into a bar.

Ouch.

Two blondes walked into a bar.....

You'd think ONE of them would have ducked!
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