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07/20/2006 10:51:00 PM · #276
A man dies and goes to heaven where he finds a huge wall of clocks. An angel explains that every person has a clock that ticks once for every lie they tell. "Wow" exclaims the man, "that clock dosen't have a single tick".

"Yes" the angel explains, "That is mother theresa's, she never told a single lie her entire life"

"What about that one there with only one tick?" questions the man.

"Why that is good ol' honest Abe Lincoln" answers the angel.

"Well...where is president George Bush's? I don't see it anywhere" wonders the man.

"Oh yes" the angel replies, "Jesus made special use of his...as a ceiling fan in his office."
07/20/2006 11:03:56 PM · #277
for the ladies:

Well Hung Man
07/20/2006 11:33:49 PM · #278
Originally posted by ShutterPug:

for the ladies:

Well Hung Man


oh my . . .
07/27/2006 02:30:34 PM · #279
Fried Chicken and The Pope

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
07/30/2006 01:00:20 PM · #280
Quote of the Day

When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Will you take me to the zoo?"

He answered, "If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you."

-Jerry Lewis

Answers To The Question: "Why Did the Chicken cross the Road?"

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.

John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.

Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Darwin #1: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads.

Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
07/31/2006 01:55:47 PM · #281
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
07/31/2006 01:58:02 PM · #282
Beware of God...

AND

From some email I got:
Whether you are a reader or an English major, I thought you'd like some of these:

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are last year's winners...

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
07/31/2006 02:03:29 PM · #283
One for the car guys (and girls) out there:

I borrowed my wife’s Geo Metro last night. One liter of raw power, 3 cylinders of asphalt-tearing terror on thirteen-inch rims. It’s stock, alright, nothing done to it, but it pushes the barely 2000 pounds of Metro around with AUTHORITY. I’m always catching mopeds and 18-wheelers by surprise...

I was headed back from Baskin Robbins with my manly triple-latte cappuccino blast (“No Cinnamon, ma’am, I take it BLACK”), when I stopped at a streetlight. As the Metro throbbed its throaty idle around me, I sipped my bold beverage and wiped the white froth my stiff upper lip. I was minding my own business, but then I heard a rev from the next lane.

I turned, made eye contact, then let my eyes trace over the competition. Ford Festiva—a late model, could be trouble. Low profile tires, curb feelers, and schoolbus-yellow paint. Yep, a hot rod, for sure. The howl of his motor snapped my reverie, and I looked back into the driver’s eyes, nodded, then blipped my own throttle. As I tugged on my driving gloves and slipped on my sunglasses (gotta look cool to be fast, and I am damn cool, hence...), the night was split with the sound of seven screaming cylinders...

Then the light turned... I almost had him out of the hole, my three pounding cylinders thrusting me at least a millimeter back into my seat, as smoke pouring from my front right tire... my unlimited slip differential was letting me down! I saw in the corner of my eyes, a yellow snout gaining, and I heard the roar of his four cylinders. He slung by me, right front wheel juddering against the pavement, and he flashed me a smile as his .7 extra liters of motor stretched its legs. I kept my foot gamely in it, though, waiting for the CHECK ENGINE light to blink on in the one-gauge (no tachometer here!) instrument panel. I saw a glimpse of chrome under his bumper, and knew the ugly truth... He was running a custom exhaust—probably a 2-into-1 dual exhaust... maybe even cutouts! Damn his hot-rod soul! The old lady passing us on the crosswalk cast a dirty look in our boy-racer direction... Yet still I persisted, with my three pumping pistons singing a heady high-pitched song, wound fully out. Though only a few handfuls of seconds had passed, we were nearing the crosswalk at the other side of the intersection, and I heard the note of his engine change as he made his shift to second, and I saw his grin in his rearview mirror fade as he missed the shift! I rocketed by, shifting, and nursed the clutch gently in to keep from bogging, keeping my motor spinning hot and pulling me ahead, now trailing a cloud of stinking clutch smoke. Not ready to give up so easily, he left his foot in it, revving, and I heard one wheel almost chirp as he finally found second and dropped the clutch. We careened over the crosswalk, now going at least 15 miles per hour. A bicyclist passed us, but intent on the race as we were, neither of us batted an eye.

He pulled slowly abreast of me, and neck and neck, we made the shift to third, the scream of motors deafening all pedestrians within a five foot circle. He nosed ahead as we passed 30 miles an hour, then eased in front of me, taunting, as we shifted into fourth. I was staring up the dual 6” chrome tips of his exhaust, snarling, my cappuccino forgotten, as he lifted a little to take the next corner.

I saw my opportunity, and counting on the innate agility of my trusty steed, I pulled wide into the number two lane and kept my foot buried in carpet. Slowly, I inched around him, feeling my Metro roll slowly to the left as I came abreast in the midst of this gradual sweeping turn. I felt the Geo ease onto its suspension stops, and felt the right rear wheel slowly leave the ground - no matter, though, because my drive wheels, up front, were pulling me through the corner, and around the Festiva ...

The Ford driver beat his wheel in rage as my wife’s car eased past him on the outside, my P165/54R13’s screaming in protest, as we raced to the next light. We coasted down, neck-and neck, to the red light. I tightened my driving gloves, ready for another round, when this WIMP in the next car meekly flipped his turn signal and made a right. Chevy (Suzuki) superiority reigns!!!

I drove off sipping my masculine drink, awash in my sheer virility, looking for other unwitting targets.... Perhaps a Yugo, or maybe even a Volkswagon Van!
08/01/2006 02:53:51 PM · #284
Purina Diet

I was in a store buying a large bag of Purina for
my Labrador retriever and was in line to check out.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The
Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but
that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and Ivs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet
and that the way that it works is to load your pants
pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it
again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in
the line was by now enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street
licking my butt and a car hit me.

:-P
08/01/2006 02:59:32 PM · #285
why do people go to the top of buildings and pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?
08/01/2006 03:55:37 PM · #286
Why don't rabbits make noise when they have sex?

They have cotton balls.
08/01/2006 04:12:28 PM · #287
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out flaming ducks.
08/01/2006 04:45:46 PM · #288
What's the difference between a well-dressed man and a hot dog?

The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.
08/02/2006 05:50:30 PM · #289
From today's email:
========================== Quote of the Day

"Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it."
-Henny Youngman

========================== Joke of the Day

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but they refer to him as 'boss'!"
08/02/2006 05:53:42 PM · #290
Why can't the Avon Lady run?????.............Lipstick.
08/02/2006 06:24:34 PM · #291
A poor destitute photographer sits in the painted desert waiting for the full cloud cover to break. He cries a little because all he has is a Canon a71 PnS and a little table top tripod. "Oh God, why can't I win the lottery so I can afford a 20D or one of the full frames?" Slowly the clouds started to lift a little at the horizon. Glorious streams of light start appearing. As he hurries to frame the magnificent view a deep voice rumbles out from behind the clouds: "BUY A TICKET!"
08/02/2006 06:30:56 PM · #292
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
08/15/2006 03:24:43 PM · #293
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into WalMart with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The WalMart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to WalMart ... Nice
children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,
the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would
you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No Ma'am", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid
twice."
08/15/2006 03:52:46 PM · #294
Originally posted by BradP:

One for the car guys (and girls) out there:

I borrowed my wife’s Geo Metro last night.


I used to have a metro. This is pretty much an accurate account. :)

We used to joke that the engines were actually made by Tonka.
08/15/2006 04:01:26 PM · #295
Politically incorrect, but no worse than some I've seen...

Two Irish walk out of a bar... hey, it could happen!
08/15/2006 04:10:33 PM · #296
Your momma is so fat, when she steps on a scale it says: "To be continued."
08/15/2006 04:20:33 PM · #297
A bum walks into a bar. He walks to the bartender and asks, “If I show you something you’ve never seen before, will you give me a free beer?” The bartender says sure. The bum proceeds to pull a frog out of his pocket. The frog stands on the bar and starts singing and dancing. The bartender is amazed and gives the bum a beer.

After the bum finishes the beer, he asks the bartender again, “If I show you something you’ve never seen before, will you give me a free beer?” The bartender says sure, but I’ve already seen the frog. The bum proceeds to pull a gerbil out of his other pocket. The gerbil sits on the bar and starts announcing the ball game that’s on the television. Amazed…the bartender gives the bum another beer.

A guy who was sitting in the corner of the bar watching this walks up to the bum and says, “I’ll pay for you to drink all day and all night if you give me that gerbil.” The bum quickly agrees and hands off the gerbil, and the guy walks out. The bartender is amazed that the bum would give away something so amazing. The bum looks at him and said “Nah, the gerbil was just a regular gerbil. The frog is a ventriloquist, too.”


08/15/2006 04:23:09 PM · #298
Wanna hear a funny true story? Too bad, I'm telling it anyway. :P
Kay, here it is... everyone listening?

I have one email that I've used forever. Typing it has become second nature, so much so that when someone asks me what it is, I have to move my fingers to phantom key positions to remember it.
Soooo.... today I try to log in.... nope, wronggggg. Fine, sometimes I type a little too fast, a keystroke doesn't register. Try again... nope, wronggggg. Ack! Okay, another try, but this time watching my fingers to make SURE they're going right.

*sighhhhhhhhhhh* You know you're an addict when you automatically type your DPC nick and password instead of your email one.....
08/15/2006 04:23:12 PM · #299
Originally posted by ergo:

Your momma is so fat, when she steps on a scale it says: "To be continued."


Yo momma is so ugly, she's got a wooden leg with a kickstand.
08/15/2006 04:36:03 PM · #300
Originally posted by karmat:

Originally posted by BradP:

One for the car guys (and girls) out there:

I borrowed my wife’s Geo Metro last night.


I used to have a metro. This is pretty much an accurate account. :)

We used to joke that the engines were actually made by Tonka.


lol. my first car was a geo. I liked learing to drive in it because there was no guess work. just floor it all the time and pray you dont get hit on those faster roads. all it did was turn on and run. NOTIHNG else in it worked. no stereo, no auto locks. no a/c and in florida it was sucky with out a/c . I drove around with one of those "misty mates" and misted myself with water every 15 seconds. i'd get so hot on my drive home from work(25 minutes) thats i'd be falling asleep from heat exhaustion about half way through the drive. but I loved that car. only 800 bucks and it was all mine. even when my husband(boyfriend at the time) got in an accident and prevented one of the only two doors left that WOULD open from opening anymore because it was crushed I didnt care because it was a POS already. awww. the memories.
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