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08/15/2006 04:40:21 PM · #301
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:

Originally posted by ergo:

Your momma is so fat, when she steps on a scale it says: "To be continued."


Yo momma is so ugly, she's got a wooden leg with a kickstand.


Your momma is so stupid, she stole the free samples.
08/15/2006 04:44:36 PM · #302
Originally posted by ergo:


Your momma is so stupid, she stole the free samples.


Yo mama so nasty I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.
08/15/2006 06:14:14 PM · #303
Pharmacist

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

08/15/2006 10:04:12 PM · #304
A true story for the biker boys and girls.

I was 20 and had my first motorcycle, if you can call it that. A VESPA scooter, 50cc of 2 stroke muscle. It would go 30 mph down the hill with the wind at my back. But that's not the funny part.

I took the wife and son for a drive on a Sunday afternoon. We must have been quite a sight. My son stood on the floorboard with a helmet on, I drove, my wife behind me. We could barely manage the 25mph speed limit, but we gamely decided to go over to her brothers house a few miles away. Hey, it was all backroads and residential streets, shouldn't be a problem.

Well, we got to the railroad crossing and had to wait for the train. No big deal. We waited and then became aware of a loud thunder coming closer. I didn't think much of it until I looked around and there were 4(count'em four) big Harleys coming at me. I'm sitting there with my wife and child on a vehicle whose engine was smaller than a single cylinder on any of these bikes. The riders were the sterotypical guys, leathers, chains, tattoos etc. I decided the better option was to make a run for it. I turned around just before the bikers got to me. As luck would have it, they turned and followed along. They easily overtook us and drove along side. I stared straight ahead and told my wife not to do anything that "might set them off".

The lead rider made some signals to his companions and one of them asked us to pull over. With great trepidation we pulled over onto the shoulder and removed our helmets. The guy in the lead said, "Is that one of those Vespas, could we look at it?"

You would have thought those guys had found the 8th wonder of the world. I almost had to beg them not to take it apart. They all had to have a test drive. I came away with very different view of bikers.
08/15/2006 10:25:50 PM · #305
Originally posted by Egor:

A true story for the biker boys and girls.

very nice story, thanks for sharing.
I guess to them, bikes are a passion
08/15/2006 10:28:41 PM · #306
What baseball team did the dentist play for?

The Yankees!

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08/15/2006 10:40:30 PM · #307
A true story about my oldest son when he was about five.

We were living in Maine, the wife and I were in the kitchen cooking supper. All of a sudden Kyle is standing by the trash can and just crying so hard that it hurt the heart. We were totally baffled by his behavior and asked him what was wrong. He informed us that his new 'superball' went in the trash. I tried to ascertain when by asking 'When did it go in?' (trying to figure out if it was before or after I had taken the trash out) so that I may retrieve it.
.
.
His response -
.
.
.
Right after the first bounce.

We both collapsed laughing, trying hard not to make him feel worse, but he started laughing with us. We finally were able to sit down with him and figured it had gone in the trash can a couple of days before.
08/16/2006 06:08:51 PM · #308
//www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucQLYSC9Lho --- HAHA!
08/17/2006 12:59:15 AM · #309
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.
08/20/2006 12:37:54 AM · #310
BUBBA HAS THE SHINGLES

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba, "So, Bubba..... What brings you here today?"

Bubba said, "I've got shingles".

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

08/20/2006 12:46:38 AM · #311
A baby seal walks into a club.
09/02/2006 02:48:10 PM · #312
District of Columbia Mayor Anthony A. Williams:

"I want to die in Chicago so I can remain politically active."
09/02/2006 03:28:25 PM · #313
True Story:

I work in a supermarket part-time. If anything that normally belongs in a fridge or freezer has been left out for a period of time by a customer then we have to waste it. This means putting it back into the fridge but in a 'waste cage'. We had a new girl dealing with waste and she couldn't understand why one of the products was being wasted as it was in date and the packaging in tact. I replied that it was probably because it had been left somewhere and got warm. She then answered: 'Well it's cold now.'. D'Oh!

Edit: Oops - serves me right for reading forums immediately after checking my son's scores for him! As a young'un he obviously doesn't work.

Message edited by author 2006-09-02 15:29:47.
09/05/2006 12:06:56 PM · #314
Quote of the Day

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."
-Wendell Johnson
09/14/2006 02:10:06 PM · #315
Three Pints of Guiness...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."

"...I've quit drinking!"
09/15/2006 01:16:15 AM · #316
OMG - This is just plain too funny:

Pointless Family Photo of the Year
09/15/2006 03:08:45 AM · #317
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09/15/2006 08:20:20 AM · #318
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?"

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
09/15/2006 03:41:16 PM · #319
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses. "Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."

"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.

"Nuns with scissors."
09/16/2006 01:44:08 PM · #320
I teach computer classes, and my students often call me at home with questions. One morning I was on the phone, explaining in computer language the solution to a problem, while a repairman was fixing my refrigerator. After an endless stream of "C colon, backslash, greater than, CD, backslash, DOS, C colon" and so on, I hung up and found the repairman staring at me. "Lady," he asked, "are you a spy?"

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Leonie Hartz
09/16/2006 04:47:17 PM · #321
Ten Indications Your Employer Has Switched You to a Cheaper Healthcare Plan:

1) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

2) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left at the trailer park."

3) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

4) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

5) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a day."

6) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month

7) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges."

8) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming.! "

9) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

10) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
09/17/2006 01:58:14 PM · #322
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
09/19/2006 01:08:26 AM · #323
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhoea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assure her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"
09/19/2006 05:06:45 AM · #324
A 70 old man walks into the doctors.

After his examination, the Doc says " Well, I'm sorry Arthur, you have Yellow 74, an incurable virus. You only have around 24 hours to live. Go home spend the last few moments of your life with your wife and enjoy it. You won't be in any pain, you'll just fall asleep when the time comes."

So, Arthur goes home and explains the situation to his wife of 50 years.

She says, " Arthur, we've been together for 50 years, and in all that time, you have never joined me in my favorite passtime. I know it's selfish, but I would love it if you came o the Bingo with me."

Of course, Arthur agees to go.

They arrive t the bingo hall. The first game gets underway and Arthur wins the first line- £100

The game continues and Arthur wins the 2 lines- £400

Again the game continues and Arthur wins the Full House in 40 numbers- £1000.

A couple of minutes later it is confirmed that Arthur has won the Regional Full house- £10000, and shortly afterwards the bingo hall erupts with applause- Arthur has also won the National Prize for the Full House- £250,000

The bingo caller goes across to Arthur and his wife and says " That's amazing, I've never known anyone so lucky!"

Arthur replies "Lucky, f56king lucky, I've got Yellow 74!!!"

"Bloody Hell," says the caller, "You've won the Raffle as well!"

;-)
09/19/2006 06:10:53 AM · #325
Saw this on the Prairie Home Companion site...

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Dyslexia."

"Dyslexia how?"
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