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Showing posts 426 - 450 of 732, (reverse)
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03/27/2007 09:42:39 PM · #426
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc? ... I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin, in every way".

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; .... an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She says, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ....

Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!"
03/28/2007 12:53:19 PM · #427
When my daughter Rebecca was three years old, we moved to another town. I was concerned about finding a new pediatrician and spoke to several neighbors who recommended a doctor. Five minutes into her examination, I was pleased at how well Rebecca was responding to the physician. He talked gently to her and explained everything he was doing. When it was time to test her reflexes, the doctor said, "Rebecca, I'm going to lightly hit your knee with a hammer." Rebecca let out a bloodcurdling scream. Shaken, the pediatrician asked me, "What did I do?" "Her father," I replied, "is a carpenter."

- submitted to Reader's Digest by P. K. Espinosa
03/30/2007 12:04:26 PM · #428
Audubon, by the way, thrived on the voyage up the Missouri. He wrote to Bachman, his collaborator, when he arrived back at Minnie’s Land, his Manhattan estate, “I gained 22 pounds and am as fat as a Grisley Bear in good Season.”

An actual grizzly bear is represented in the exhibition in a hand-colored lithograph. “Some of these we passed by,” he wrote, “and our sensations were the reverse of pleasant.”

-- Review in the NY Times
03/30/2007 12:28:39 PM · #429
For all you Canadian goalies. (My hubby being one of them!)
03/31/2007 09:06:54 AM · #430
** Warning: This post has been hidden as it may content mature content. Click here to show the post.
03/31/2007 10:32:59 AM · #431
Mildred and Earl had been married for over 60 years. When he passed away at the age of 93, Mildred was forlorn and heartbroken. She simply did not feel she should go on.

Being despondant, she decided to end her life by shooting herself in the heart, because it was broken. Not being too sure of the anatomy, though, she called her doctor and asked where her heart was.

He told her that since she was a female it would be just below her left breast. When he asked why, she hung up without responding.

Mildred was admitted to the hospital later that evening with a gunshot to her left knee.
04/01/2007 11:45:23 PM · #432
Just needed to post something to keep this on my profile. I have had this open for 3 days now just reading when I can, This Sh#t is so freaking funny .
04/01/2007 11:59:13 PM · #433


".....those aren't buoys"
04/10/2007 04:54:05 PM · #434
Received from: Lorraine

This is the story about a railroad crew that befriended a monkey named Bobo. The railroaders would play with Bobo and feed him and really treat him nice. In fact, they taught the monkey to give hand signals and run the engine and to even read a switch list and switch out the cars. Soon Bobo got to be so good at it that the guys would let the monkey do their work while they went fishing. One day the Trainmaster caught the guys fishing while Bobo was doing the work. All of the railroaders got fired on the spot. A couple of months later the railroaders got a letter from the company. It was a great flowery piece and reinstated all of the railroaders to their former positions with all back pay. It was signed by Trainmaster Bobo.
04/19/2007 09:15:05 AM · #435
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. "Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........

"I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
04/25/2007 09:41:12 AM · #436
Received from: B.B.

Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang- up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there"?

"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"
04/29/2007 09:28:50 PM · #437
Another mystery is solved.

How does the small arrow in the screen of the computer work when we move The mouse? Haven't you ever wondered how it works? Now, through the miracle of the high technology, we can see how it is done. With the aid of a screen magnifying lens the mechanism becomes apparent.

Go to: //www.1-click.jp/ - Then wait for the circle to appear and move your cursor around within it, you can even see how clicking works too.
05/16/2007 11:47:14 AM · #438
Received from: B.B.

When visiting my father at the nursing home where he now lives, I always decline the meals, which tend to be dull and monotonous, an opinion shared by many of the residents.

One evening after the trays had been delivered, one elderly woman looked over her dinner, sighed heavily, and intoned, "Hebrews 13:8."

I looked up the passage later. It reads: "Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today, and forever."
05/24/2007 03:39:38 PM · #439
Received from Lorraine:

Halfway home, my eight-year-old daughter realized she'd left her Sunday-school homework at church. We turned the car around, and all the way back her grandmother and I lectured her about assuming responsibility for her things. She hopped out of the car, went into the church, and minutes later came back out, laughing, her homework in one hand... my handbag in the other.

Message edited by author 2007-05-24 15:39:53.
05/24/2007 03:43:14 PM · #440
Two sausages are sitting there, frying in a frying pan.
One of the sausages turns to the other and says "Man, It's getting hot in here."
The other sausages turns to the him and says "AAAHHH!! A Talking SAUSAGE!"
05/24/2007 04:16:31 PM · #441
Just asking:

Has anyone ever go the letter form unicef with a nickel in it, saying

"This nickel could save a child's life"?

05/24/2007 04:18:29 PM · #442
Originally posted by danthesquidkid:

Just asking:

Has anyone ever go the letter form unicef with a nickel in it, saying

"This nickel could save a child's life"?

No, but I remember collecting money for them at Halloween.
05/24/2007 04:18:58 PM · #443
Words Women
Use

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Don't be mad about this, it is just the same 5 minutes you use when it's your turn to help do things around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1).

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing . (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you - do not question or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying "%@&* YOU!"

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong" - for the woman's response, refer to #3.
05/24/2007 04:20:44 PM · #444
here is a horrible horrible joke I made up at work

what did the screw say to the drill?

see you in a bit
05/24/2007 04:21:35 PM · #445
wise words, oh grandwazoo. wise words, indeed.
05/24/2007 04:22:01 PM · #446
Originally posted by sabphoto:

Another mystery is solved.

How does the small arrow in the screen of the computer work when we move The mouse? Haven't you ever wondered how it works? Now, through the miracle of the high technology, we can see how it is done. With the aid of a screen magnifying lens the mechanism becomes apparent.

Go to: //www.1-click.jp/ - Then wait for the circle to appear and move your cursor around within it, you can even see how clicking works too.


That's awesome!
05/24/2007 04:22:49 PM · #447
Originally posted by karmat:

wise words, oh grandwazoo. wise words, indeed.


It took me a while to understand but now I do. ;-)
05/24/2007 04:34:40 PM · #448
Originally posted by thegrandwazoo:

It took me a while to understand but now I do. ;-)

Uh oh ...
05/24/2007 04:36:44 PM · #449
Originally posted by GeneralE:

Originally posted by thegrandwazoo:

It took me a while to understand but now I do. ;-)

Uh oh ...


Well #6 still gets me once in a while. :-P
05/24/2007 04:41:00 PM · #450
In which case you better break out the Men's All-Purpose Verbal First Aid/Fire Extinguisher Kit:

"Yes, Dear ..."
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