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05/24/2007 04:42:19 PM · #451
Originally posted by GeneralE:

In which case you better break out the Men's All-Purpose Verbal First Aid/Fire Extinguisher Kit:

"Yes, Dear ..."


Yup! I also like "I know you're right..."
05/24/2007 05:11:50 PM · #452
Originally posted by GeneralE:

In which case you better break out the Men's All-Purpose Verbal First Aid/Fire Extinguisher Kit:

"Yes, Dear ..."


Carefull with some wives (I speak from experience) that one can be the most dangerous, mine goes in to a frenzy when I use that one...
05/24/2007 05:25:40 PM · #453
Originally posted by thegrandwazoo:

Words Women
Use

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Don't be mad about this, it is just the same 5 minutes you use when it's your turn to help do things around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1).

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing . (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you - do not question or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying "%@&* YOU!"

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong" - for the woman's response, refer to #3.


Okay, here's another one.

I don't care: "Read my mind."

As in --

Hubby: So, honey, let's go out to eat. Where would you like to go?
Wifey: I don't care. (But, you better pick where I'm thinking about or it will be #1, #5, #6, and/or #8, order may vary)
05/24/2007 05:31:38 PM · #454
LOL So true...

:-D
05/25/2007 03:30:29 AM · #455
I just found this!! It's hysterical!
Animator vs. Animation I
Animator vs. Animation II
05/25/2007 06:51:33 AM · #456
Originally posted by scarbrd:

Originally posted by sabphoto:

Another mystery is solved.

How does the small arrow in the screen of the computer work when we move The mouse? Haven't you ever wondered how it works? Now, through the miracle of the high technology, we can see how it is done. With the aid of a screen magnifying lens the mechanism becomes apparent.

Go to: //www.1-click.jp/ - Then wait for the circle to appear and move your cursor around within it, you can even see how clicking works too.


That's awesome!


Of course, they're speaking in Japanese, saying things like "Right! Left! Forward! Back! Careful!"

Oh, it's not "Careful!", it's "Diagonal!"

Message edited by author 2007-05-25 06:58:39.
05/29/2007 09:21:25 AM · #457
Some Pro's and some Joe's

Some interesting techniques.
05/31/2007 01:43:38 PM · #458
The Wedding Test
I was a very happy person.
My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore
verytight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly
bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near
anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered
to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married
and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just
come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story
is:
Always keep your condoms in
your car
06/06/2007 11:35:11 PM · #459
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,

'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,

And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Courtesy of www.ebaumsworld.com
06/07/2007 12:38:25 AM · #460
Originally posted by artvet:

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."


But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.


HILARIOUS!
06/07/2007 12:44:31 AM · #461
Guy walks into a doctors office with saran wrap for underwear.
The doctor says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts"

Guy walks into a doctors office with strawberries growing out of his head.
The doctors says, "You should put some cream on that."
06/07/2007 12:55:10 AM · #462
a man is out for dinner with his wife

the man say's
"i bet you cant make me happy and sad at the same time"

wife thinks for a minute and says
"your dick is bigger than your brothers"
06/08/2007 09:35:48 AM · #463
New men's magazine just emailed to me:
' . substr('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/25095/thumb/530413.jpg', strrpos('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/25095/thumb/530413.jpg', '/') + 1) . '
------------------

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.

The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining
table, and started to examine him.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget
to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

Aha!"said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side...then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
06/20/2007 04:53:06 PM · #464
Received from: B.B.

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local café. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their peppershaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the peppershaker contains salt and the saltshakeró"

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
06/20/2007 05:53:56 PM · #465
From the fantastic mind of RODNEY DANGERFIELD RIP Rodney!

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time
an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over.
Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you
put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the
roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for Mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,
"Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago
last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had
anything to play with.
06/22/2007 12:09:42 AM · #466
Received from: Betsy

My mother, a master of guilt trips, showed me a photo of herself waiting by a phone that never rings. "Mom, I call all the time," I said. "If you had an answering machine, you'd know." Soon after, my brother installed one for her. "When I called the next time, I got her machine: "If you are a salesperson, press one. If you're a friend, press two. If you're my daughter who never calls, press 911 because the shock will probably give me a heart attack."
06/22/2007 07:40:24 PM · #467
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted!!



06/26/2007 02:02:03 PM · #468
ON THIS DAY

On June 26, 1963, President Kennedy visited West Berlin, where he made his famous declaration: "Ich bin ein Berliner" (I am a Berliner).

There is s story that, since "Berliner" is German slang for a fried pastry, President Kennedy actually declared "I am a doughnut."
06/27/2007 06:48:13 AM · #469
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look
it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch
of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware
of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
All of the of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
06/28/2007 05:12:31 PM · #470
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet".

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir". The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely: "Are- my- test- results- back?"

Message edited by author 2007-06-28 17:13:22.
06/28/2007 06:47:53 PM · #471
Originally posted by jmsetzler:

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

ONE DAMMIT!


Q:How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll??

A: Nobody knows, it's never been done!!! ;)

06/28/2007 11:58:41 PM · #472
Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.
06/28/2007 11:59:34 PM · #473
Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents..

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
06/29/2007 08:34:50 PM · #474
Received from: Bruce

Americans probably donít know much about cricket; thatís ok, a lot of Brits donít either. However, several years ago, in a test match between England and the West Indies (like a sort of cricket world-series), the West Indian batsman was named Michael Holding, and the bowler (pitcher?) was an Englishman named Peter Willey. OK so far?

The radio commentator, I am sure quite inadvertently, quoth the immortal line; "The batsmanís Holding, the bowlerís Willey."

There was no further commentary for ten minutes while the two commentators got themselves back under control.

Even today, when the dear old BBC wants to reduce its listening audience to uncontrollable tears of mirth, they roll out that clip.
07/06/2007 12:44:28 PM · #475
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program .

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50 lb. program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

"If I catch you, you're mine."
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