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07/06/2007 04:51:46 PM · #476
Two dyslexics storm in to a bank and shout, "air in the hands you motherstickers, this is a f**k up!"
07/06/2007 07:59:02 PM · #477
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00

Fried Explorer: $15.00

Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're full of shit!"
07/17/2007 05:08:29 AM · #478
RED NECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY
----------------------------------------------

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table,
and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***IN PORRIDGE YET!!!"
08/07/2007 12:40:07 PM · #479
Long before he ran for office, George W. Bush was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. He pleaded guilty, paid a fine, and had his driver's license suspended for 30 days.

Over a century earlier, a sitting president was arrested for a vehicular crime. President Ulysses S. Grant was caught speeding in his horse and buggy. He, too, pleaded guilty, paid a $20 fine, and had his buggy impounded.

I think it's a good bet that President Grant was under the influence at the time as well ...
08/07/2007 12:41:34 PM · #480
What do you call a fly with no legs?
08/07/2007 12:44:25 PM · #481
A 'walk'.

---

PS. surfinbird - that is non-PC gem!
08/07/2007 01:08:08 PM · #482
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began
to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of
rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and
the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies,
Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

08/08/2007 07:39:49 AM · #483
For you musicians out there...

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.
08/08/2007 07:46:34 AM · #484
And another...

What do you call a guy who hangs around with a bunch of musicians?

A drummer.
08/09/2007 05:17:58 PM · #485
Check out this product review by David Pogue of the NY Times:
============================================================
Monkeysoft Office Upgrade ($20, monkeysoftoffice.com). OK, I don't even know where to begin.

This kit includes software for a Windows PC, a foam caveman-style hatchet and a U.S.B. motion sensor.

You affix the U.S.B. sensor to the back of your monitor. Then, the next time your PC starts driving you crazy, you grab the mallet and start pounding your screen. SMASH! CRASH! SHATTER! With each pound, realistic sounds and animations make it look like you're breaking the glass of the screen.

And then, on the fourth smash, the glass shards fall away to reveal what's really causing your computer problems: a roomful of juvenile, out-of-control monkeys.

O.K., how does someone even come up with something like this.and who'd believe in a product like this enough to bring it to market?

Well, whatever. I'm just glad someone did, because it's hilarious.
08/31/2007 04:46:54 PM · #486
iPhone Hacker Headed to Guantanamo

NFL Increases Restrictions on Remembering Games

Message edited by author 2007-08-31 16:51:07.
09/12/2007 02:54:01 PM · #487
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
09/22/2007 04:43:55 PM · #488
Received from: Lorraine:

A boy who was a witness in court was asked by a lawyer: "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"

"Yes, sir."

"I thought so. Who was it?"

"My mother, sir."

"And what did she tell you?"

"She said the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, I would be all right."
10/06/2007 12:43:11 PM · #489
In light of the recent successful lawsuit by the RIAA, I thought this might be useful:

RIAA Lawsuit Decision Matrix

By Brian Briggs

BBspot has obtained secret documents which RIAA lawyers use to determine whether to file a lawsuit against a copyright violator. These documents give insight into the RIAA's decision-making process, and could help people avoid lawsuits in the future. We offer these documents as a public service.


Also possibly useful:

Should I Keep Playing Decision Matrix for Married Folks
11/26/2007 03:57:39 AM · #490
Based on a story in the documentary Sin, Fire, and Gold -- a history of early San Francisco:

================================================
In the course of fighting the devastating fire which followed the Great Earthquake of 1906, buildings in the fire's path were being demolished, to try and create a firebreak.

As the charges were being prepared on one warehouse, the manager came running out.

"No, No!" he shouted, "you can't blow up that building. There's five thousand gallons of whiskey in there--if you blow it up, flaming liquid will go flowing everywhere, spreading the fire more quickly than ever!"

Forced to agree with this astute analysis of the situation, the fire captain canceled the demolition order. A few minutes later, in perhaps the first stroke of good fortune since the ground shook, the wind took an unusual turn and, sweeping in from the southeast, turned the fire back on itself.

Thus, although virtually all of the surrounding neighborhoods were destroyed, the warehouse (with its precious contents!) was saved, no doubt to play a crucial role in the city's rapid recovery from the disaster.

In their coverage of the catastrophe, some eastern newspaper editorialists opined that, while natural disasters affecting human populations were always tragic, in this case it was likely just Divine retribution for San Francisco's unapologetically hedonistic ways.

In response, one of the local papers published {something very similar to} the following poetical observation:

 Some say that God has burned our town

For being all too frisky.
Then why'd He burn the churches down,
But choose to save the whiskey?


Message edited by author 2007-11-26 03:59:21.
11/26/2007 04:29:48 AM · #491
(True story)

I was talking to my daughter a few days ago and she was trying to tell me something, lotsa' ummmms in the conversation type of thing.
She finally came out and said there's a chance I might be a Grandpa.

My reply:
"Are you sure it's yours?"

ROFLMAO
(well, she is a blond after all...)
11/26/2007 05:03:04 AM · #492
Originally posted by Brad:

(True story)

I was talking to my daughter a few days ago and she was trying to tell me something, lotsa' ummmms in the conversation type of thing.
She finally came out and said there's a chance I might be a Grandpa.

My reply:
"Are you sure it's yours?"

ROFLMAO
(well, she is a blond after all...)


HAHAHAA!!! YOUR SUCH A PUTZ!!
11/26/2007 06:44:33 AM · #493
Ask a silly question.


I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Terrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid women...why else would I buy dog food??

That has to have made you smile...
11/26/2007 08:59:13 AM · #494
Sleeping arrangements

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly... him in the upper bunk and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's just
pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied "Get your own damn blanket."

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.
11/26/2007 08:25:20 PM · #495
so funny... ha...
11/30/2007 08:37:41 AM · #496
Originally posted by Monique64:

Ask a silly question.


I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Terrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid women...why else would I buy dog food??

That has to have made you smile...


LOL, LOL, LOL!!!!!!!! Monique, you are GREAT!
11/30/2007 11:02:39 AM · #497
ha ha.thats the funniest sh*t i've ever heard monique.
11/30/2007 11:55:28 AM · #498
Thanks ever so much for posting that, Monique!

Message edited by author 2007-11-30 11:56:54.
11/30/2007 06:59:52 PM · #499
Subject: A Dog's Sense of Disaster

Have you ever heard that a dog 'knows' when an earthquake is about to hit?

Have you ever heard that a dog can 'sense' when a tornado is stirring up, even twenty miles away?

Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia , dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?

Do you know that dogs can detect cancer and other serious illnesses and danger
of fire?

Somehow they always know when they can 'go for a ride' before you even ask and how do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles away?

I' m a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.

And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance.

Simply said, a good ol' hound dog just KNOWS when something isn't right when impending doom is upon us .

' . substr('//i25.photobucket.com/albums/c63/humphouse/download-1.jpg', strrpos('//i25.photobucket.com/albums/c63/humphouse/download-1.jpg', '/') + 1) . '


12/03/2007 08:42:41 PM · #500
I purchased a teddy bear for ten pounds today. I named it Muhammad. Later I sold it for twenty pounds. My question is; Have I made a prophet?
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