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12/19/2007 11:05:06 PM · #501
Our nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down." Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"
12/19/2007 11:10:41 PM · #502
Dr. Phil's advise
--------

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I
heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I
started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning
I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle
of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, some
Saltines and a box of Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
12/19/2007 11:17:12 PM · #503
two dumb jokes

"what did the drill say to the screw?"

"See Ya in a Bit!"

"What do fish Do in the Winter?"

"They Chill"
12/20/2007 03:59:07 PM · #504
Too fricken funny!

Has some cursing probably not work safe.
12/20/2007 04:13:44 PM · #505
Christmas Joke:

>>"I got you a T-shirt and a Dildo for X-mas",

>>"Whats the dildo for?"

>>"If you don't like the t-shirt, you can go F*ck yourself".

I got this in a text message from a friend of mine.
12/20/2007 04:15:17 PM · #506
Two bassists walk past a bar...

It could happen!
12/21/2007 03:24:58 PM · #507
Heres a "health warning" I received from a friend of mine and thought I would pass it on to my friends here as I feel its pretty important:

When I read this I immediately thought of some of my favorite people and their health.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh!t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
12/24/2007 01:03:35 PM · #508
' . substr('//i25.photobucket.com/albums/c63/humphouse/funnychr1.jpg', strrpos('//i25.photobucket.com/albums/c63/humphouse/funnychr1.jpg', '/') + 1) . '
12/27/2007 01:52:57 PM · #509
Originally posted by Pug-H:

Movieman, that's one of the funniest things in this forum thread.

The mind just boggles .... "Rectal exam revealed a normal sized thyroid. "


D'oh! And I have to go for a thryoid MRI in January! Better make sure they get the right end! ;-)
12/31/2007 05:36:12 PM · #510
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, . . ."Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing
01/04/2008 01:16:20 AM · #511
' . substr('//i25.photobucket.com/albums/c63/humphouse/funny-6.jpg', strrpos('//i25.photobucket.com/albums/c63/humphouse/funny-6.jpg', '/') + 1) . '
01/04/2008 01:35:48 AM · #512
haha...
so funny
01/04/2008 02:27:01 AM · #513
Father says to son "Son you hammer a nail in like lightening"
Son replies "Thanks dad, why do you say that?"
Father replies "Because lightening never hits th esame place twice!!"
01/05/2008 04:50:42 PM · #514
Around election time I passed an older gentleman in his yard and noticed he had several signs, each proclaiming support for a different political candidate. "I guess you can't make up your mind," I said to him.

"That's not it," he smiled. "My grass was looking a little brown, so I thought I'd put in some fertilizer sticks."
01/18/2008 01:36:42 AM · #515
My mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
01/18/2008 01:08:01 PM · #516
What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in ' K ' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
01/18/2008 01:50:22 PM · #517
This is true:

My job in the Air Froce is actually to repair Heating and Air Conditioning Systems on base, and while dpeloyed. I haven't done that job in a couple of years since my promotions thrust me into managerial positions and I have had the opportunity to work in different fields for the extra breadth of knowledge. When I was younger I was in charge of our shops night shift. I have thre people working for me and we had a call to fix an A/C unit at one of the buildings on base. We showed up to the building and it was hot in there. Summers on the Japanese island of Okinawa are hot and humid and this office was feeling it. So I take these three Airmen inside and we are looking at the cieiling that is hiding the A/C unit. I started to set up the ladder at the acces panel of the ceiling and this smart ass walks by. He asks, "How many CE guys does it take to fix the A/C?" I walked off the ladder, looked him in the eye, and said none. Grabbed the ladder and the four of us walked out of the office. We didn't go back to that job until the end of the night when we had finished all of our other calls. Next day I had to promise to my boss that I wouldn't do that again.

Originally posted by CalliopeKel:

Originally posted by jmsetzler:

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

ONE DAMMIT!


Q:How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll??

A: Nobody knows, it's never been done!!! ;)

01/18/2008 03:35:42 PM · #518
Originally posted by BHuseman:

This is true:

LOL -- Can I reprint this for a friend of mine who works in the HVAC business? :-)
01/18/2008 03:42:15 PM · #519
an empty glass rolls into a bar and asks for a drink.

bartender looks at him and says:

' I can't serve you - you're already drunk ! '


01/18/2008 04:00:56 PM · #520
Sure can!

Originally posted by GeneralE:

Originally posted by BHuseman:

This is true:

LOL -- Can I reprint this for a friend of mine who works in the HVAC business? :-)

01/24/2008 04:12:26 PM · #521
Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,

"Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!" and so it does ..

"A f r i c a n Elephant"
01/24/2008 05:04:04 PM · #522
Wow! This started in 2004! Even though Boozon, already told one of my jokes, I guess I'll tell it my way!

' . substr('//i1.photoblog.com/photos3/10499-1193785976-0.jpg', strrpos('//i1.photoblog.com/photos3/10499-1193785976-0.jpg', '/') + 1) . '

1. A guy walks into a bar...Owww! You'd think I could remember that one's so low!
2. Molecule #1: "I think I just lost an electron!"
Molecule #2: "Are you sure?"
Molecule #1: "Of course, I'm positive!"
3. Two frogs are sitting on lily pads when one exults, "My time's sure fun when you're having flies!"
4. Two photographers discuss the merits of always sharp photos as opposed to the occasional artsy, blurry, impressionistic photo.
"Mr. Sharp": "How could any rational photographer believe that the label, ART, makes a blurry photo...er...Good?"
"Mr. ART": "It's all a matter of perspective!"
"Mr. Sharp": "I shutter to think!"
5. How many millionaires does it take to change a lightbulb? Just a few more...
6. Why did the traffic light turn red? Well, you would, too, if you had to change in the middle of the street. :}
7. 777STAN: "Do pulmonologists earn a good living?"
Dr. Achoo: "Well, I'd like to make more, but when I do my taxes each year, I can 'breathe easy'." :}
8. 777STAN: "How can you be a preacher, and not look impoverished?
Hot Pasta: "That's easy! The Bread of Life keeps me full! The Joy of the LORD is my strength. My family grows every day. My treasures are in Heaven, and if that's not enough, the LORD has a retirement plan that is out...of...this...world!" :}

Message edited by author 2008-01-24 17:09:28.
02/07/2008 03:42:27 PM · #523
Received from: JT:

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
02/07/2008 03:48:20 PM · #524
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life
between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said,
'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
02/12/2008 11:57:45 AM · #525
just got this from a friend and thought it was cute:

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol , of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so
she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I
would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By
now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked
around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter
to God.

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

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