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02/17/2008 09:04:48 AM · #526
The Brick Method of hiring

These are tips on how to recruit the right person for the right job.

Put 100 bricks in a closed room with an open window. Then send two or three candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and go back after six hours to analyze the situation.
- If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounts department.
- If they are re-counting them, put them in auditing.
- If they messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.
- If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.

- If they say they’ve tried different combinations, but not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.
- If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.
- And if they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, put them in top management.

02/25/2008 09:25:20 PM · #527
For all you Office folk out there:

//glumbert.com/wii/view.php?name=baddayoffice
02/25/2008 09:34:39 PM · #528
Originally posted by dknourek:

For all you Office folk out there:

//glumbert.com/wii/view.php?name=baddayoffice


lol I'd see a few of those before but oh my I needed that laugh tonight...thanks!
02/25/2008 10:29:39 PM · #529
Most Perfect Technical Glitch

Now this cracks me up every time I watch it!
03/07/2008 01:57:41 PM · #530
Reprinted from yesterday's NY Times:

Tech Support Gets a Reprieve While Users Take a Hit
By DAVID POGUE

On my blog recently ( //nytimes.com/pogue ), I've been making fun of bad tech-support reps. Actually, not just recently—they've been one of my favorite topics for years.

Deep inside, though, I have a lot of sympathy. By definition, the tech-support job entails talking all day to angry and unhappy people, which surely can't make you feel like skipping home from work. Meanwhile, at most tech-support centers, you have to fulfill an hourly quota of calls processed—so the job is stressful, too. No wonder the burnout rate is so high (and so many of these jobs are moving overseas).

So today, equal time. It's time to place half of the tech-support blame where it belongs: at the feet of Them. The Users.

Several years ago, I had the chance to visit a tech-support call center for one of the big computer companies. The technician gave me a second pair of headphones so I could listen in on his conversations with the hapless users.

I learned so much that day. I learned that all computer companies outsource tech support to dedicated call-center companies. I learned that the Users can be outrageously rude to these hapless tech-support reps, taking out their built-up frustration on somebody who had nothing to do with causing the problem.

And I learned that when they say, "Your call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes," that's only partly true. They also record your calls so they can pass around recordings of the funniest ones.

They actually gave me one of those "Best Of" disks at the end of my day in the call center. Herewith: a few actual calls from that disk or that I heard about from the agents themselves.

---

Caller: So, I'm having a problem with my mouse? It's, like, squeaking?

Agent: I'm sorry, did you say squeaking?

Caller: That's right. The faster I move it across the screen, the louder it squeaks.

Agent: I'm sorry—are you pressing your mouse up against the screen?

Caller: Well, sure! There's a message that says, "Click here to continue!"

----

Caller: Hey, can you help me? My computer has locked up, and no matter how many times I type eleven, it won't unfreeze.

Agent: What do you mean, "type eleven?"

Caller: The message on my screen says, "Error Type 11!"

---

On one call, the caller seemed to be taking an inordinately long time to complete each instruction she was given.

Agent: Ma'am, I can't help noticing that every time I give you an instruction, it takes a really long time before you get back to me. Is your computer that slow?

Caller: Oh, no, it's just the stupid, stupid design of this computer. Every time I want to click something, I have to unplug the keyboard to plug in the mouse. And then every time I want to use the keyboard again, I have to unplug the mouse. Because there's only one jack.

Agent: Ma'am, you do realize that there's a jack on the keyboard itself? You're supposed to plug the mouse into the keyboard, and the keyboard into the computer.

Caller: Are YOU KIDDING ME!? Oh, wait a minute—yes, I see it now! Oh, holy cow. That's going to be so much easier!

Agent: Just out of curiosity, how long have you been using your computer that way?

Caller: Six weeks!

---

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.

Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command…

Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?

Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.

Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for me.

Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?

Caller: Yes, I sure do.

Agent: OK, now press Control-A.

Caller: I am, but nothing happens.

Agent: The text isn't highlighted?

Caller: No, there's no change at all.

Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A, the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening.

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?

----

So there you have it, folks: a little equal time for the downtrodden reps on the other end of the line.
03/07/2008 02:01:41 PM · #531
Originally posted by GeneralE:


Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?

Now THAT is funny!
03/10/2008 10:18:26 PM · #532
For several years , a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write " spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

On day, about 9 months later , he came home to his confused wife, " Honey , she said, you have received a very strange post card today."
Oh , just give it to me and I will explain it later, he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
' Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meat balls, two without.
Send extra sauce '

03/18/2008 02:18:10 PM · #533
This made me smile :- )


You are driving down the road in your car on a wild,
Stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see
Three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3 The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing
That there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.



This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually
Used as part of a job application. You could pick up
The old lady because she is injured and will die, and thus
You should save her first. Or you could take the old
Friend because he once saved your life, and this would
Be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you
May never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had
No trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let
Him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind
And wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes we gain more if we are able to give up our
Stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think
Outside of the box."

HOWEVER..

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
Her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect
Partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with
The old friend for a few beers !!









03/18/2008 02:39:54 PM · #534
Originally posted by bvlindalou:

The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), then hit this link.


I missed this one... This is a classic!!.... I would suggest an auto start on the browser with this as the home page before going thru TSA ("security") so when you turn it on to prove the little green light means it's not a bomb.... I am laughing now at the though.... of some else doing it :-)
03/18/2008 03:35:39 PM · #535
Originally posted by robs:

Originally posted by bvlindalou:

The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), then hit this link.


I missed this one... This is a classic!!.... I would suggest an auto start on the browser with this as the home page before going thru TSA ("security") so when you turn it on to prove the little green light means it's not a bomb.... I am laughing now at the though.... of some else doing it :-)


now that is funny
03/20/2008 08:20:38 AM · #536
I just got this forwarded in an email.

Who's your best friend?

Just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

03/27/2008 03:33:53 PM · #537
Received from: Uncle Bubba

You need a new car when . . .

~ You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

~ You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

~ You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

~ The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

~ The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker.

~ You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

~ The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car
03/27/2008 03:35:35 PM · #538
Originally posted by kawesttex:

I just got this forwarded in an email.

Who's your best friend?

Just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?


HAHAHAHA thats horrid!!
03/27/2008 03:55:01 PM · #539
Why is it called PMS........

because mad cow desease was taken!!!
05/10/2008 01:52:04 PM · #540
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR COMPUTER KEYBOARD NEEDS to be CLEANED

10. You can turn the keyboard over and get a mid-afternoon snack.

9. You filled up a brand new vacuum bag ... and it's still dirty.

8. You can no longer tell the difference between the "NumLock" light and the bioluminescent fungus.

7. The ants have taken the "W," "Q," and "Esc" keys.

6. There's so much dust under the keys some of them can no longer be depressed.

5. You call tech support but can't tell them what kind of keyboard you're using.

4. You can hang it from the ceiling and use it as a fly trap.

3. People ask for a set of rubber gloves before using it.

2. When your cat walks on it, it can't decide if it's a treat or a litter box.

1. Everyone compliments you on your cool "Chia Keyboard."
05/10/2008 04:44:46 PM · #541
Originally posted by GeneralE:

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR COMPUTER KEYBOARD NEEDS to be CLEANED

10. You can turn the keyboard over and get a mid-afternoon snack.

9. You filled up a brand new vacuum bag ... and it's still dirty.

8. You can no longer tell the difference between the "NumLock" light and the bioluminescent fungus.

7. The ants have taken the "W," "Q," and "Esc" keys.

6. There's so much dust under the keys some of them can no longer be depressed.

5. You call tech support but can't tell them what kind of keyboard you're using.

4. You can hang it from the ceiling and use it as a fly trap.

3. People ask for a set of rubber gloves before using it.

2. When your cat walks on it, it can't decide if it's a treat or a litter box.

1. Everyone compliments you on your cool "Chia Keyboard."


lol too funny. When I started at Kinko's in the computer dept, all the mouse (mice) were acting up, when I opend the bottom of a MAC one I swear a cat fell out! There was so much fuzz in there I don't know how it worked at all.
05/10/2008 05:00:35 PM · #542
Last week a woman got hit by a train nearby in my town. The train only mangled her left side though. But don't worry, she's all right now......
06/12/2008 06:02:29 PM · #543
Not sure if this has been posted before, but I've just got it now and it's great for a chuckle...
*****************

BANNED FROM K- MART...........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to K -Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local K -Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on lay -b y.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practised his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,
K -Mart.
06/12/2008 06:16:07 PM · #544
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please" Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know" Mom informed him.
"Really?" Fred asked, eyebrows rose.
"Oh yes" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes" said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. "Have fun, kids!" the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The Twist, Dammit! It's called the Twist!"
06/12/2008 06:26:53 PM · #545
A guy walk into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing except clear plastic wrapped around his body.
He says, "Doc, can you help me?"
The doctor looks up and says, "I can clearly see your nuts!"

Okay, how about this one:
Polar bear walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'll have a ... ... ... ... beer"
Bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Hmm... not sure puns work when you're actually writing them down... or ever for that matter!
Hope this put a smile on someones face.

:)
06/12/2008 06:28:25 PM · #546
Originally posted by rinac:

Not sure if this has been posted before, but I've just got it now and it's great for a chuckle...
*****************

BANNED FROM K- MART...........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to K -Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local K -Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on lay -b y.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practised his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,
K -Mart.


I will have to remember these for when the wife wants me to go to Wally world.
06/12/2008 06:30:25 PM · #547
In European paradise:
--The British run the government;
--The French are the chefs;
--The Italians are the lovers;
--The Germans run the trains.

In European Hell:
--The French run the government;
--The British are the chefs;
--The Germans are the lovers;
--The Italians run the trains...
06/12/2008 07:08:15 PM · #548
This is especially for women over 40:

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.



And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS I S NOT A HOAX!!! This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.



06/12/2008 07:23:44 PM · #549
Three Scotsmen and three Englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scotsmen buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the three Englishmen.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.

They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Englishmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the football match, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scotsmen on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scotsmen don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks a perplexed Englishman.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen.

When they board the train the three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scotsmen leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
06/12/2008 07:26:22 PM · #550
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead...
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