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06/12/2008 07:35:19 PM · #551
Originally posted by nightwolf242:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead...


Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he thought it was a game.
06/12/2008 07:41:22 PM · #552
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland.'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from
Dublin, I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Margaret walks into the bar, sits
down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Margaret, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Margaret asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
06/12/2008 09:51:22 PM · #553
OMG....I can't stop laughing, lol

Originally posted by BAMartin:

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland.'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from
Dublin, I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Margaret walks into the bar, sits
down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Margaret, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Margaret asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
06/23/2008 05:10:15 PM · #554
The World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank Martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

The End
06/23/2008 05:58:13 PM · #555
Originally posted by rinac:

The World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank Martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

The End


why did i get married....?

(j/k)
06/28/2008 07:39:07 PM · #556
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest
home near a junior high school. He spent the first few
weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon
three young boys full of youthful after-school
enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on
every trash can they encountered. The crashing
percussion continued day after day, until finally the
wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young
percussionists as they banged their way down the
street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of
fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like
that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age.
Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if
you'll promise to come around every day and do your
thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job
on the trash cans.A few days later, the wily retiree
approached them again as they drummed their way down
the street. "Look" he said. "I haven't received my
Social Security (Pension) check yet, so I'm not going
to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be
okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you
think we're going to waste our time beating these cans
around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We
quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest
of his days.
07/04/2008 03:01:12 PM · #557
Received from: Lorraine:

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
07/12/2008 12:37:50 PM · #558
A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom "I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes."

Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they''ll be delayed two hours.

Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours.

The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we''ll be up here all day."
07/12/2008 01:06:09 PM · #559
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.' 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'
07/12/2008 01:28:27 PM · #560
Got these in todays email:

Received from: TheWhiteRabbit

Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned about getting the correct name on the birth certificate. "Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?". "Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?". "Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his birth certificate 'Thomas' This boy I want to name Jack".
=========================================
Received from: Uncle Bubba

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, 'Tire go flat?'

I couldn't resist. said, 'Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me.'
=========================================
Received from: teddybear

A veterinarian quit his practice and successfully ran for the legislature. One day, in the middle of a bitter debate, an opponent asked with a sneer: " Isn't it true that you're an animal doctor?.

" Yes I am", he replied" Are you sick?"
07/12/2008 07:33:27 PM · #561
How apropos that this thread was started by digital grizzly ...

Received from: BigMac

The Pope Visits Alaska

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To hell with Bush" T-Shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
07/12/2008 08:21:21 PM · #562
Originally posted by GeneralE:


=========================================
Received from: Uncle Bubba

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, 'Tire go flat?'

I couldn't resist. said, 'Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me.'
=========================================


That is actually a Bill Engvall joke off the "Here's your sign" album
Youtube

Message edited by author 2008-07-12 20:38:34.
07/13/2008 12:56:05 PM · #563
Received from: Lorraine

My three sons and I were playing golf, and I had just teed up on a par three hole. I gave a mighty swing, and we all watched the ball rising. A large bird suddenly flew up, and as the ball got close to it, the bird veered away narrowly missing getting hit. My youngest son stared intently down the fairway and then said, "You know, I think you almost got a partridge on a par three."
07/13/2008 01:57:16 PM · #564
An American tourist in London found himself
needing to urinate something terrible. After a
long search he just couldn't find any public
facility in which to relieve himself. So he went
down one of the side streets to take care of
business. Just as he was unzipping, a London
police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?"
the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really
gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him.
"Look, follow me." The police officer led him
to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here,"
said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned,
unzipped, and started peeing on the flowers.
"Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward
the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you.
Is this customary British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the
French Embassy."
07/13/2008 02:06:02 PM · #565
Originally posted by Dirt_Diver:

Originally posted by GeneralE:


=========================================
Received from: Uncle Bubba

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, 'Tire go flat?'

I couldn't resist. said, 'Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me.'
=========================================


That is actually a Bill Engvall joke off the "Here's your sign" album
Youtube


Uncle Bubba (nickname) = Bill Engvall
07/13/2008 02:16:52 PM · #566
Originally posted by ShutterPug:


Uncle Bubba (nickname) = Bill Engvall

Got ya thanks

07/16/2008 07:40:05 PM · #567
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done f*ck all but moan since you've been here."
07/16/2008 08:04:08 PM · #568
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

- Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

- No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

- You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

- Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

- No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

- Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

- Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

- Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

- Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

- Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
07/19/2008 01:41:16 PM · #569
Received from: Lorraine

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail.

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave."

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me."

Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!"

Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"
07/19/2008 02:09:50 PM · #570
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the
old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back
of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.


At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he
would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a
man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake
his head in disagreement.


This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer
about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer,
and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but
always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.


The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod
my head in agreement.' 'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

07/24/2008 07:09:21 PM · #571
Why men should not write advice columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

==============================================================

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

-Walter
07/24/2008 07:12:37 PM · #572
HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam . Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands . HEMA also has stores in Belgium, Luxemburg, and Germany . In June of 2007, HEMA was sold to British investment company Lion Capital.

Take a look at HEMA's product page. You can't order anything and it's in Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens.

This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer.

Hema

Message edited by author 2008-07-24 19:14:41.
07/24/2008 08:05:00 PM · #573
Now that's a creative web site. Thanks for that one...and the others..too funny!
07/24/2008 09:31:23 PM · #574
got this in an email and just had to post it here lol

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR MOM'S FAVORITE...
' . substr('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/25000-29999/25095/120/702670.jpg', strrpos('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/25000-29999/25095/120/702670.jpg', '/') + 1) . '
07/24/2008 09:44:27 PM · #575
Yankee or Dixie?

(Obviously has an American bias, though "far-ners" might have interesting results.)

Mine 83% Dixie. :)
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