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09/03/2008 04:13:50 PM · #601
Saw this on the web and had to smile (not least at the typo)

The World According to Americans

[thumb]717930[/thumb]

Message edited by author 2008-09-03 16:14:17.
09/03/2008 05:07:05 PM · #602
Originally posted by Jedusi:

Saw this on the web and had to smile (not least at the typo)

The World According to Americans

I noticed at least a couple of places where it seemed out-of-date or incomplete ... ;-)

' . substr('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/0-4999/1031/120/717933.jpg', strrpos('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/0-4999/1031/120/717933.jpg', '/') + 1) . '
09/03/2008 05:53:31 PM · #603
Originally posted by GeneralE:

Originally posted by Jedusi:

Saw this on the web and had to smile (not least at the typo)

The World According to Americans

I noticed at least a couple of places where it seemed out-of-date or incomplete ... ;-)

' . substr('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/0-4999/1031/120/717933.jpg', strrpos('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/0-4999/1031/120/717933.jpg', '/') + 1) . '


And still he hasn't corrected the 'Mouse Heads' typo :- )

Unless that is actually how you refer to canadians . .
09/03/2008 06:23:16 PM · #604
It's a bit long, but hold out for the ending...
There's a fish in a creek watching a fly, waiting for the perfect moment to jump out & catch it, little does he know there's a bear watching him. Behind the bear there's a hunter eating a sandwich watching the bear that's waiting for the trout to go for the fly. Behind the hunter is a mouse watching the hunter watch the bear watch the trout watch the fly. And behind the mouse there's a cat hiding, watching the mouse who's watching the hunter, who's watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. SO... the fly gets closer to the water, the fish grabs the fly, the bear grabs the fish, the hunter drops his sandwich when he goes to shoot the bear, the mouse goes for the hunter's sandwich & cat misses the mouse.
What's the moral of the story??
When the fly goes down the pussy gets wet!
(hopefully that wasn't too risque for the kids!) lol
09/03/2008 06:28:36 PM · #605
Originally posted by bs-photos:

It's a bit long, but hold out for the ending...
There's a fish in a creek watching a fly, waiting for the perfect moment to jump out & catch it, little does he know there's a bear watching him. Behind the bear there's a hunter eating a sandwich watching the bear that's waiting for the trout to go for the fly. Behind the hunter is a mouse watching the hunter watch the bear watch the trout watch the fly. And behind the mouse there's a cat hiding, watching the mouse who's watching the hunter, who's watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. SO... the fly gets closer to the water, the fish grabs the fly, the bear grabs the fish, the hunter drops his sandwich when he goes to shoot the bear, the mouse goes for the hunter's sandwich & cat misses the mouse.
What's the moral of the story??
When the fly goes down the pussy gets wet!
(hopefully that wasn't too risque for the kids!) lol


i wet my monitor. thanks.
09/03/2008 06:41:00 PM · #606
No disrespect meant to any of the following groups: (including blondes). :)

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk asked, "What denomination?"

The blonde replied, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic,
12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
09/03/2008 06:45:01 PM · #607
Another...

POTENTIALLY AND REALISTICALLY

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask yo ur brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really us e that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?'
The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.
09/03/2008 06:48:55 PM · #608
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you- did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him
Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
09/03/2008 07:05:22 PM · #609
this is awesome, i hope that someday i raise a topic that lasts 4 years. thats a legacy man, like the first person to create the "choose your fav pic from the person above you"
09/04/2008 04:23:36 PM · #610
super cheesy, but worth sharing...

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. Then he put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "No, not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry" she said, "stand in the corner."She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you" she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue" she replied. "The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this... I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to" his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
09/09/2008 03:52:14 PM · #611
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urin e sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart



09/10/2008 02:32:30 PM · #612
From today's email ...

Received from: the little woman:

The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!' " she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month -- until you loathe it."

When the woman finished, she paused, looked up and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"
09/11/2008 07:22:41 AM · #613
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' asked the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa. '

'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'

'He went with Ma and Pa.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Pa. '

'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets for Howard.
09/12/2008 09:24:43 AM · #614
Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind send to anyone you know who might need a lift today.


Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna
09/12/2008 10:00:41 PM · #615
(This is a joke I heard on the banks of the Snake River in Hellís Canyon a long time ago, so obviously itís a bit changed from the original way I heard it. Still, itís a first person narrative.)

I was sitting on the bench outside the store one Monday morning, and along comes Billy-Joe. Now, you know Billy-Joe, heís not so bright but heís a friendly fellow. I notice that he has a huge black eye, so I say, ďCome sit down, Billy-Joe, and tell me, how did you get that black eye?Ē
So, Billy-Joe sits down and launches into his story:

Well, I was at church yesterday, says he. And you know, itís a small church, and the weatherís been so hot, and thereís lots of people there, and everyoneís sweating like pigs. And Iím sitting behind old widow Johnson. It came time for the first hymn, so we all stand up. I notice that widow Johnsonís big flowery dress is caught up in the crack of her butt. So I reach down and pull the dress out of her butt for her. Then she turns around and biffs me right in the eye. Thatís how I got this black eye.

Now, the next week, Iím sitting outside the store again, biding my time, and along comes Billy-Joe. This time he has his nose all bandaged up. ďHey, Billy-Joe, what happened to you?Ē
So, Billy-Joe sits down and launches into his story:

Well, I got a broken nose now, says he. You see, I was at church yesterday. You know, same church, not any bigger, and thereís lots of people there sweating like pigs Ďcos itís so hot. This time, I was with my brother, Billy-Bob, and weíre both sitting behind the old widow Johnson. It came time for the first hymn, and we all stand up. I see widow Johnsonís dress is caught in the crack of her butt again, and so does Billy-Bob. Billy-Bob reaches down and pulls the dress out of her butt. But I knew she doesnít like that, so I pushed it back inÖ.


10/20/2008 02:51:27 PM · #616
Got this in today's email ...

As an assistant high-school track coach, I recorded the results of each home meet and made copies for all the coaches. But because our track shed did not have electricity, I had to use carbon paper. A freshman team member offered to help, and I showed her how to place the carbon paper shiny side down so that the image would transfer to the sheet beneath it.

"What will they think of next?" she said in astonishment. "Pretty soon we won't need copy machines anymore."
10/28/2008 08:20:16 PM · #617
I generally don't get a lot of jokes coming my way and rarely when I do get them do I think they are worthy enough to post but this one had me laughing for some time, got this from my MOM today...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead Goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having Babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient ... After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son hol ding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife aske d.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um ...um ...Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just, just...excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle, and giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little... ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

10/28/2008 08:35:54 PM · #618
that was funny!
11/01/2008 01:27:24 PM · #619
I posted this on the Election forum, but many people have rant turned off. Its probably better suited for this venue anyway.

Everything is clickable including the panels on the front of the desk. Make sure you click each one several times as thing change.

Palin as President
11/01/2008 01:31:02 PM · #620
Originally posted by BAMartin:

I posted this on the Election forum, but many people have rant turned off. Its probably better suited for this venue anyway.

Everything is clickable including the panels on the front of the desk. Make sure you click each one several times as thing change.

Palin as President


oh that just made my freaking day:)
11/01/2008 01:50:42 PM · #621
Originally posted by BAMartin:

I posted this on the Election forum, but many people have rant turned off. Its probably better suited for this venue anyway.

Everything is clickable including the panels on the front of the desk. Make sure you click each one several times as thing change.

Palin as President

I can't open it :¬(
11/01/2008 01:56:24 PM · #622
Originally posted by SaraR:



Palin as President
I can't open it :¬(


Maybe try pasting the url into the address bar?

//www.palinaspresident.us/

Message edited by author 2008-11-01 13:56:53.
11/02/2008 07:13:18 PM · #623
Top Five Signs That Your Family SUV Is Too Big...
5. The kids refer to riding the bus to school as "downsizing."
4. Before driving anywhere, you have to file a parade permit.
3. It serves as a carport for your Camry.
2. Your husband, riding shotgun, is in a different area code.
1. The fuel gauge doubles as a fan.
11/03/2008 02:42:28 PM · #624
When John Kennedy was running for President, he told friends about a telegram he received from his father, wealthy businessman and political figure Joseph P. Kennedy. Although usually a serious man, Joseph did have a funny bone. Said JFK in l960, "I received the following wire from my generous daddy: 'Dear Jack: Don't buy a single vote more than is necessary. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide.'"
11/04/2008 07:34:22 AM · #625
got this text message this morning...

Due to expected long lines at the polling centers all Obama supporters are asked to vote on Wednesday. Thank you and God Bless.

(of course you can change Obama to McCain if you so desire and it'd still be funny)
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