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11/04/2008 08:56:31 AM · #626
I don't think that's funny -- I think it's a Federal crime.
11/14/2008 10:42:23 AM · #627
Got this today and thought it was cute even though there is a danger of getting flamed lol...

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products
increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose
to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store
to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -
These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued,
but continues to the second floor,
where the sign reads:

Floor 2 -
These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks,
'but I want more.'

So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 -
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks,
but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor
and the sign reads:

Floor 4 -
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims,
'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor
and the sign reads:

Floor 5 -
These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework,
and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay,
but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:

Floor 6 -
You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges,
the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex,
have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors
have never been visited.

11/20/2008 10:52:33 AM · #628
Not sure if this is already in here. I looked but didn't notice it. Anyhow, thought this was funny. Wal-Mart Bingo
11/20/2008 10:59:44 AM · #629
Originally posted by Marc923:

Not sure if this is already in here. I looked but didn't notice it. Anyhow, thought this was funny. Wal-Mart Bingo


I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks onaccounta I'm laughing so hard ... time to print it out and go play! Thanks for sharing!!!!
11/20/2008 11:23:52 AM · #630
A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods.

The bear looks over at the rabbit and asks, "Do you ever have a problem with poo sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit takes a second, a bit confused, and replies, "No, I guess I don't."

So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt.

________________
this is the best thread ever!!! i'm just posting so I can find it again!!!!
11/25/2008 02:47:11 PM · #631
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?

12/04/2008 04:12:17 PM · #632
Here are some amusing and completely 'Unnecessary Adverts'

:- )

//www.somethingawful.com/d/photoshop-phriday/unnecessary-advertisements.php?page=1
12/04/2008 04:14:44 PM · #633
Hey, did you hear that Michael Jackson got food poisoning!?






Yah, turns out he tried to eat a 3 year old wiener.

*disclaimer* This was from a stand-up comedian I heard on the radio, don't hurt me.
12/04/2008 05:15:30 PM · #634
Yikes. I think I obliterated the thread.

12/04/2008 05:18:27 PM · #635
Originally posted by K10DGuy:

Yikes. I think I obliterated the thread.

that is ok. I just got everyone in the office with the Jackson one!!:)
12/04/2008 05:26:16 PM · #636
A guy is walking along the street in town, when he sees a gray-haired old guy walking toward him, dragging his left foot. As the old man passes he looks him in the eye and says, "Anzio, 1944", and shuffles off down the street.

He goes a little further, and a somewhat younger old man comes along the street toward him, also dragging his left foot. As he approaches, he also looks him in the eye and says, "Inchon, 1952" and continues down the street.

So he goes a little further, and here comes another one, 60-ish, gray and gnarled, toward him on the street. This guy is, like the other two, dragging his left foot. So the observer thinks he's got the idea. As the shuffler passes, he says to him, "Let me guess...Viet Nam, 1968?"

"Naw", he says, "Dogshit, 2 blocks back."
12/04/2008 05:27:03 PM · #637
Originally posted by bvlindalou:

Originally posted by K10DGuy:

Yikes. I think I obliterated the thread.

that is ok. I just got everyone in the office with the Jackson one!!:)


It's my favorite joke for when you want people to laugh, but also feel like they're VERY BAD PEOPLE for laughing.
12/05/2008 10:18:49 AM · #638
CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION: Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, .......(better
start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
12/05/2008 10:24:35 AM · #639
Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a New Yorker),

Confided to her co-workers she had three goals

For her trip to the Lone Star State ;

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

'Let me tell you, They have a tree down there called a Mesquite
And when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite ,

it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!'

'And I went to a real rodeo.

Talk about athletes... Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, Then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns
And throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'

They then asked,

'Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?'

'Are you kidding?
When I saw the outline of the condom package they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!'
12/05/2008 11:36:01 AM · #640
A man gets on a bus

The man approaches the driver and grabs his crouch area and makes a lifting motion

The driver shakes his head no then makes a lifting motion on his breasts

The Man makes a motion like he is wiping his butt then gets off the bus

A second man sitting behind the driver asked the driver what the heck was that all about

The driver said the man he is a deaf mute and he was asking "is this the bus that goes by the ball park?" and I said "no it is going by the dairy" so he said "no s@#t I'm on the wrong bus" and got off.
12/10/2008 05:06:13 PM · #641
Wildlife Photographer
12/10/2008 05:14:35 PM · #642
Originally posted by GeneralE:

Wildlife Photographer


Nah - this is a wildlife photographer :- )

' . substr('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/65000-69999/68586/120/661935.jpg', strrpos('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/65000-69999/68586/120/661935.jpg', '/') + 1) . '

In fact maybe it was him that took the picture of the squirrel ?

lol



Message edited by author 2008-12-10 17:15:27.
12/10/2008 05:17:55 PM · #643
Originally posted by GeneralE:

Wildlife Photographer


That is funny, best way to stay out of the shot.
12/10/2008 05:22:05 PM · #644
A good line, even if it's not so funny (from a NY Times movie review, emphasis added):

“Wendy and Lucy” is rated R (Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian). It has some swearing, a little drug use and a brief implication of violence, but no nudity, sex or murder. The rating seems to reflect, above all, an impulse to protect children from learning that people are lonely and that life can be hard.
12/10/2008 05:54:11 PM · #645
An Aussie wildlife photographer:

' . substr('//newscoma.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/kangaroo-punch.jpg', strrpos('//newscoma.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/kangaroo-punch.jpg', '/') + 1) . '
12/10/2008 11:02:06 PM · #646
' . substr('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/60000-64999/63812/120/746406.jpg', strrpos('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/60000-64999/63812/120/746406.jpg', '/') + 1) . '
//www.dpchallenge.com/image.php?IMAGE_ID=746406
now edit to say Thanks EB!!! I try to insert the image, no the thumbnail..but I can't!!!! :-((

Message edited by author 2008-12-10 23:21:59.
12/10/2008 11:13:51 PM · #647
Originally posted by GeneralE:

A good line, even if it's not so funny (from a NY Times movie review, emphasis added):

“Wendy and Lucy” is rated R (Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian). It has some swearing, a little drug use and a brief implication of violence, but no nudity, sex or murder. The rating seems to reflect, above all, an impulse to protect children from learning that people are lonely and that life can be hard.


over-protective parents, sheesh! no wonder kids nowadays are weak and vulnerable! :)
12/10/2008 11:17:46 PM · #648
Originally posted by the99:

[thumb]//www.dpchallenge.com/image.php?IMAGE_ID=746406[/thumb]' . substr('//www.dpchallenge.com/image.php?IMAGE_ID=746406', strrpos('//www.dpchallenge.com/image.php?IMAGE_ID=746406', '/') + 1) . '


Maybe ' . substr('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/60000-64999/63812/120/746406.jpg', strrpos('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/60000-64999/63812/120/746406.jpg', '/') + 1) . '?

(All you need between the "thumb" tags is the number of the image, in this case, 746406.)
12/11/2008 12:26:02 AM · #649
Originally posted by crayon:

Originally posted by GeneralE:

A good line, even if it's not so funny (from a NY Times movie review, emphasis added):

“Wendy and Lucy” is rated R (Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian). It has some swearing, a little drug use and a brief implication of violence, but no nudity, sex or murder. The rating seems to reflect, above all, an impulse to protect children from learning that people are lonely and that life can be hard.


over-protective parents, sheesh! no wonder kids nowadays are weak and vulnerable! :)

In this case though, it's the movie-rating organization, not a parental decision ...
12/11/2008 12:31:05 AM · #650
Originally posted by the99:

' . substr('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/60000-64999/63812/120/746406.jpg', strrpos('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/60000-64999/63812/120/746406.jpg', '/') + 1) . '
//www.dpchallenge.com/image.php?IMAGE_ID=746406


Looks to me like a ' . substr('//www.dpchallenge.com/images/user_icon/21.gif', strrpos('//www.dpchallenge.com/images/user_icon/21.gif', '/') + 1) . ' K10Dguy creation.... Just the sorta thing he might write. Maybe he has a twin or a clone somewhere..........
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