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08/14/2004 03:27:04 PM · #51
BRAINS

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," she said as she surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a male brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question. The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
08/14/2004 03:31:28 PM · #52
A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades... She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.. but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.
Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts our "THIS ONE IS BAREFOOT TOO!"

08/14/2004 03:32:23 PM · #53
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher said "Ok, class, who can use the word 'evidently' in a sentence?" Little Johnnies hand shot up. So the teacher thought, knowing Johnny, what could he come up with so bad for that word, so she called on him. Johnny said "Teacher, do farts have lumps?" The teacher, a little bewildered replied, "Well, no they don't." to which Johnny replied "Then 'evidently' I shit my pants!"
08/14/2004 03:35:01 PM · #54
If computer error messages were haikus:

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

Three things are certain:
death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

A file that big?
It might be very useful,
but now it is gone.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

The code was willing.
It considered your request,
but the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
08/14/2004 03:37:25 PM · #55
Okay...I'm sorry, but I've got tons of jokes saved and I wanted to share. ^_^

Female Comebacks to Pickup Lines

Male: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Male: Is this seat empty?
Female: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Male: Your place or mine?
Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

Male: So, what do you do for a living?
Female: I'm a female impersonator.

Male: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Female: DO NOT ENTER.

Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Female: Unfertilized.

Male: Your body's like a temple.
Female: Sorry, there are no services today.

Male: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Female: GREAT! would you mind staying there?

Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.
08/14/2004 03:40:01 PM · #56
forewarning...this is gross.

2 condoms walk by a gay bar, so the one condom turns to the other and says "Hey, you want to go get shit-faced?"
08/14/2004 03:42:14 PM · #57
***** One Liners *****

***** The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

*****Q: How do you make four old ladies to start cursing!"?
A: Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!"


***** Getting Even*****

Two missionaries in Papua New Guinea get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."


*****Heard on a Flight *****

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
08/14/2004 03:45:16 PM · #58
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why
the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......

20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.
08/14/2004 06:40:58 PM · #59
Originally posted by Ami Yuy:

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

8. Don't use any punctuation marks


I wont

Originally posted by Ami Yuy:


18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

This one is actually illegal.
08/14/2004 06:53:12 PM · #60
Next time you edit someone else's work, replace each "e" with a space.

Originally posted by Ami Yuy:

How To K p A H althy L v l Of Insanity

1. At lunch tim , sit in your park d car with sunglass s on and point a hair dry r at passing cars. S if th y slow down.
2. Pag yours lf ov r th int rcom. Don't disguis your voic .
3. v ry tim som on asks you to do som thing, ask if th y want fri s with that.
4. Put your garbag can on your d sk and lab l it "in"
5. Put d caf in th coff mak r for 3 w ks. Onc v ryon has gott n ov r th ir caff in addictions, switch to spr sso.
6. In th m mo fi ld of all your ch cks, writ "for s xual favors".
7. Finish all your s nt nc s with "in accordanc with th proph cy."
8. Don't us any punctuation marks
9. As oft n as possibl , skip rath r than walk.
10. Ask p opl what s x th y ar . Laugh hyst rically aft r th y answ r.

Well ... you get the idea.


... or replace each vowel with a space. The proof is left to the reader.
08/14/2004 07:17:47 PM · #61
Originally posted by Digital Quixote:

Next time you edit someone else's work, replace each "e" with a space.

I thought you might imply my post. But no, so go for it!
08/14/2004 08:03:20 PM · #62
Martha Stewart vs. Real Women

MARTHA STEWART
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix-me-up.
REAL WOMEN
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

MARTHA STEWART
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
REAL WOMEN
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

MARTHA STEWART
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
REAL WOMEN
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

MARTHA STEWART
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
REAL WOMEN
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

MARTHA STEWART
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
REAL WOMEN
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

MARTHA STEWART
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
REAL WOMEN
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

MARTHA STEWART
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
REAL WOMEN
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip -
MARTHA STEWART
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
REAL WOMEN
Leftover wine??
08/14/2004 08:08:58 PM · #63
Originally posted by GeneralE:

Originally posted by Ami Yuy:

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

8. Don't use any punctuation marks


I wont

Originally posted by Ami Yuy:


18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

This one is actually illegal.


tut tut failed already
08/15/2004 03:30:44 AM · #64
How could I have overlooked this when it was in theatrical release?
==========================
Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death
(1989), PG-13, **, 01:29, Color, English, United States

A feminist professor (Shannon Tweed) and her team seek a missing Dr. Kurtz (Adrienne Barbeau) and find a lost tribe of piranha women.

Cast: Shannon Tweed, Adrienne Barbeau, Bill Maher, Karen Mistal, Brett Stimely, Barry Primus, James MacKrell, Paul Ross Director(s): J.D. Athens Producer(s): Gary Goldstein

Message edited by author 2004-08-15 03:31:05.
08/15/2004 11:55:35 AM · #65
Originally posted by Ami Yuy:

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".


well...that will make the $1147.50 check I have to write to the mechanic for a new transmission in my old Suburban at least LOOK a lot less painful... LOL ;o)
08/15/2004 12:19:17 PM · #66
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A 'Walk'

Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.

---

Q: What do you say to a teenager with a job?
A: Big Mac and large fries please.

[Politically incorrect:]
Q: What do you call a Liverpudlian in a suit and tie?
A: The defendant.

---

Q:  Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A:  Because it's too far to walk.

Q:  Where do polar bears vote?
A:  The North Poll.

---

What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour?
Leave it in the cow.

Two snakes are slithering down the sidewalk.
One says to the other, “Hey, are we poisonous?”  
The other says, “I don't know, why?”  
The first snake says, “Because I just bit my lip.”

---

Q: What do you call a road where all the crazy people walk?
A: A psychopath.

... I thank you.

Message edited by author 2004-08-15 12:19:30.
08/15/2004 12:32:18 PM · #67
Old lady goes to the doctors, walks in and says to the doc "hey doc you have to help me, I have a bad case of gas, I mean really bad, they don't smell or make any sound but it's really annoying me, in fact, I've blown off 4 times since I came in here.. anything you can do for me?"... the doc looked at her across the top of his specs and gave her some medicine, "take this and come back in 3 days".

3 days later the old lady comes back to see the doctor and she is furious.."Call yourself a doctor" she said " I don't know what kind of medicine that was you gave me but now my gas smells terrible"..

"good" said the doc, "now we've cleared up your sinuses let's work on your hearing shall we?"


08/15/2004 01:09:38 PM · #68
Funny short vid

and here is an IM quote from bash.org
08/15/2004 01:11:47 PM · #69
Originally posted by MadMordegon:

Funny short vid

and here is an IM quote from bash.org


hey, they didn't ask permission to use one of my kids for that commercial! LOL ;o) too funny....thanks for sharing!
08/15/2004 01:27:27 PM · #70
This young man is walking on the beach and he sees an old couple strolling, hand in hand, clearly as in love as the day they were married. Wanting to know the secret to life-long-love, he asks how they do it. The husband tells this tale: "It was on our honeymoon, and we went to the Grand Canyon. We rented mules to go to the bottom. I got a real onery one. About an hour into the trip, the mule bucked me off. I got up, dusted myself off and looked that mule in the eye and said "Thats' One". I got back on and went along. My wife commented that she was amazed how nice I was to an animal that just threw me. About another hour goes by and we stop for lunch, so I try to make friends with the mule by feeding it an apple. Don't you know that darn mule bit me. When I got my hand out of it's mouth, I looked it in the eye and said "That's Two". My wife commented on what amazing self control I had, and how incredibly patient I was. About an hour after that, sure enough that mule just wouldn't go anywhere, so I got behind it and gave it a swat on the fanny. Well, that mule kiced me so hard that I almost flew into the canyon. I got up and went to my pack, pulled out a revolver and shot that mule between the eyes and said "That's Three". My wife is horrified, and starts screaming at me and hitting me, saying "I can't believe you just killed that animal, how are we going to explain this to the ranger, do you have any idea how much a mule costs?!!?", so I loooked her in the eye and said "Honey, that's One".
08/15/2004 01:28:05 PM · #71

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet which is of course
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.

If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during
my Freshman year. "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having an affair with her. Then #2 above cannot be true,
and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

08/15/2004 06:26:10 PM · #72
Winner, 2004 Worst Manual Contest

Link courtesy of BBspot
08/15/2004 06:47:04 PM · #73
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck & the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practising to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there & waits for the world to revolve around him. OR.
Three - one to screw in the bulb, two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath & calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilise one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts .

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
08/15/2004 07:11:36 PM · #74
Some of these are pretty funny, just what i needed :-)
08/15/2004 07:44:49 PM · #75
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

He sits at the bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, you know you got a steering wheel
sticking out of your pants?!"

The pirate looks up and says
"Ayyeee, it's drivin' me nuts!"
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