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10/22/2004 12:24:44 PM · #101
Originally posted by grigrigirl:

Why dont witches wear panties?

To get a better grip on the broomstick....

BAHAHAHAHA!


true, women are better on brooms at speed having disk brakes and all...., well ballbearings might prove fatal.
10/22/2004 12:34:45 PM · #102
You all (at least Canadians) need to watch Just for Laughs Gags. It's the best "Candid Camera"-esque show there is...

Message edited by author 2004-10-22 12:34:52.
10/22/2004 03:44:08 PM · #103
Three old ladies who hadn't been to a baseball game in a long time decided to go and have some fun. One of them brought a bottle of Jack Daniels in a paper sack. They had a grand time passing the bottle and sipping whisky until the bottle was empty and one of them passed out.

Question: What inning is it and what's the status of the game?

(Answer is typed backwards. Do not attempt to hold your monitor up to a mirror, it won't help.)

.DEDAOL ERA SGAB EHT DNA ,TUO ENO HTIW ,HTFIF EHT FO MOTTOB EHT S'TI :REWSNA
10/22/2004 05:11:13 PM · #104
This is a true story (my friend witnessed this):
Picture this: a busy bank, many customers waiting in line for the next available teller. A little boy (about 4 years old), bored to tears, keeps playing with the posts, the line-ropes, forms, pens etc. His mother keeps asking him to behave. The customers are also bored, with nothing better to do than watch the boy's antics. Eventually mother raises her voice to him: " Benjamin, I am getting sick of your behavior, you are being very naughty!" Her son replies in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear: "I'm not naughty. YOU are the naughty one, Mommy - I watched you licking Daddy's diddle last night!"
10/22/2004 08:55:51 PM · #105
another true one.... a few years ago i represented a young lady in a sexual harrassment case. under cross and on producing the dreaded g-string the defendent bought the girl, he claimed the reason for buying it was because she always wore black g-strings which "showed"

we immidiatly intervened and commended on the fact that the new g-string was a wonderfull, deep, dark purple. his reply...."your honor, you must admit it is lighter than black...."

cost him his job and some. shame.
10/22/2004 10:13:01 PM · #106
Have you ever smelled moth balls?

.................

Yes...............

How did you get the little legs apart?

Message edited by author 2004-10-22 22:13:24.
10/22/2004 11:30:32 PM · #107
What do you get if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other hand?

A really big moth
10/22/2004 11:40:22 PM · #108
ok there was this drunk Irishman... oh wait, that's kind of redundant isn't it?


10/22/2004 11:54:24 PM · #109
True Story,
Scene: Standing in line at the grocery store with my 6 year old son. The rather large lady in front of us was a nurse and must have been on call because her pager went off.

Without batting an eye 6 year old son yells in a rather loud voice "Look out Dad she's reversing".

That's what you get for trying to teach your kids to be aware of the danger that surrounds us........

Message edited by author 2004-10-22 23:57:19.
10/25/2004 12:16:40 PM · #110
Daily Humor
October 25, 2004

My family's art-supply store offers custom photo processing. One time, a customer and an employee got into a discussion about a print. The negative showed delightful scenery with a utility pole blocking a choice part of the view. We could understand our employee's frustration when the customer insisted, "Look, just reverse the negative so the print will show what's behind the pole!"

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Janey Walser
12/05/2004 02:23:55 PM · #111
My uncle sent me ...

... the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The Other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did????
12/05/2004 02:30:14 PM · #112
Whats the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50 a bag and Deer nuts are under a Buck:)
12/05/2004 02:39:36 PM · #113
Another true story. My wife was standing in line at a crowded cash register while our two year old daughter was ogling all the eye-level toys and candy. After several minutes of, "I want that" and , "Buy me this," my wife turned to her and said, "I'm not going to buy you something just because you want it. When do you get to have something special?" My daughter hung her head and muttered, "When it's on sale."
12/05/2004 03:05:52 PM · #114
Originally posted by scalvert:

Another true story. My wife was standing in line at a crowded cash register while our two year old daughter was ogling all the eye-level toys and candy. After several minutes of, "I want that" and , "Buy me this," my wife turned to her and said, "I'm not going to buy you something just because you want it. When do you get to have something special?" My daughter hung her head and muttered, "When it's on sale."


LMAOOOO...
12/05/2004 03:46:42 PM · #115
A tribute to a very funny man who died recently...
Enjoy!

IN MEMORY OF JACOB "RODNEY DANGERFIELD" COHEN

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

"Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door.He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me,"Wait till it gets warmer.

"My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I was so ugly, my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair when he died..

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide.

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

Message edited by author 2004-12-05 15:48:10.
12/05/2004 03:49:28 PM · #116
Pilot Humour


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

==========================================

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees"

TWA 431: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

==========================================

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

==========================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

==========================================

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

==========================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind an eight-engined B-52 that had one engine shut down "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach"

==========================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

==========================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway"

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger...and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

==========================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick- w itted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

==========================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

==========================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at
the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

12/05/2004 04:02:08 PM · #117
I think digital grizzly should be banned for posting such a frivolous forum topic. If one wanted comedy there are many places to turn to other than the DPC. I am appalled that he has profanely turned the art of photography into a laughing matter. We are serious about our art, and those that think it is so funny should go to “open mike night” at their local pub instead of wasting our time here.

I AM DEEPLY OFFENDED.

Satire
Satire
Satire
Satire;-)
12/05/2004 04:10:30 PM · #118
Originally posted by Morgan:

Pilot Humour ...

LOL -- thanks. Hope they're as quick with the rudder controls as they are with that mic button.
12/05/2004 05:49:56 PM · #119
Originally posted by dhare:

People who live in glass houses shouldn't get stoned


How about "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw orgies!"
12/05/2004 06:18:27 PM · #120
A wine expert walks into the swankiest bar in the city and makes a bet with the bartender that he can guess the vintage of any wine just by taking a sip of it. The bartender accepts the bet and walks down to the wine cellar while the wine expert slips on a blindfold. The bartender grabs the first bottle he sees in the wine cellar and looks at the label; it says 1936. He brings it back up to the bar and pours a glass. The blindfolded wine expert takes a sip and says "1936".

The bartender figures the wine expert just made a lucky guess and this time goes back to the wine cellar and looks around for something really old. The oldest he can find is 1884, so he brings that bottle back up, pours a glass, and the still blinfolded wine expert says "1884". This goes on for an hour and the wine expert correctly guesses the vintage of every wine provided by the bartender.

After an hour of sipping wine, the wine expert not surprisingly has to visit the restroom. While he is in the restroom, a drunk who had been sitting at the end of the bar quietly observing all this somehow manages to sneak over and pee in the wine expert's glass without being noticed.

The wine expert comes out of the restroom, sits back down at the bar, puts on his blindfold, picks up his glass, and takes a sip. He spits it out and says "Yuck, this tastes like piss!". The drunk says "it IS piss; what year was I born?".
12/05/2004 09:23:58 PM · #121
The redhead says to the doctor, "Doctor, I have a stabbing pain anywhere on my body that I touch." The doctor asks her to give him an example, so the redhead says, "Well, here for examp... oowww!" as she touches her elbow. "And here....owww!", touching her face. Doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No, sir, I'm a natural blonde", she replies. "That explains it", doctor says. Sweetheart, you've got a broken finger!

(ba da BOOM!)
12/05/2004 09:38:20 PM · #122
Don't try this at home!

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra.

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
12/05/2004 10:21:13 PM · #123
This college football star uses part of his signing bonus from the NFL team which drafted him in the first round to buy a brand-new top-of-the-line BMW. He decides to take in a movie before driving his new car back to campus and parks in front of the theater. After the movie is over he notices that he locked his keys inside the car.

He quickly calls the BMW dealer from a pay phone and says "do you remember me, I bought a brand new BMW from you about 2 hours ago".

The dealer says "Yes, I remember you, is there a problem with the car?".

The football player says "I'm parked in front of the movie theater downtown and I locked my keys inside the car. I need to know which window to break to get in? Which window will be the easiest to fix?"

The dealer says "Don't worry, you won't have to break any windows. I have a set of master keys and I can be at the theater in about 15 minutes to unlock your car for you".

The football player says "But I can't wait 15 minutes! It's starting to rain and I left the top down!".
12/06/2004 01:30:09 AM · #124
[quote=goodman] my best joke ever......
[sorry about all the arrows, just copied and pasted.

> > Subject: Art of the Irish

Read this with interest. Should you want, I have a program that removes all of these wonderful arrows. Let me know, I could send it to you if you want.
12/10/2004 04:58:25 PM · #125
Seeing as we are close to Christmas, here is my Chtistmas joke;

Three men standing outside the Pearly Gates of Heaven & St.Peter says to them " It's nearly Christmas, if you can produce something of a Christmas theme, I will let you into Heaven"
The first man reaches into his pocket & pulls out a cigarette lighter.
"Whats that?" asks St. Peter.
"A Cristmas candle" replys the first man.
"Okay you can pass through the gates" says St Peter & he lets him in. The second man reaches into his pocket & pulls out a set of car keys & procedes to jiggle them in front of St.Peter.
"What's that?" asks St.Peter.
"Jingle bells." replys the second man.
"Okay you can pass through the gates" says St.Peter & he lets him in.
The third man reaches into his pocket & pulls out a pair of ladies knickers.
"What are those?" asks St.Peter
"Their Carols" replys the third man
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