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12/10/2004 05:07:31 PM · #126
Question: There are 2 hamsters in the airing cupboard, which one is from the army?

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The one on the tank


12/10/2004 06:11:52 PM · #127
Originally posted by 3DsArcher:

I'm a dyslexic agnostic insomniac. I lie awake in bed all night wondering if there really is a dog.


That is hilarious lol!
12/10/2004 09:52:04 PM · #128
Bring kids to work day :-)

' . substr('//www.pbase.com/image/23974780/small.jpg', strrpos('//www.pbase.com/image/23974780/small.jpg', '/') + 1) . '
12/10/2004 09:57:46 PM · #129
so a seal walks into a club ...
12/10/2004 10:58:40 PM · #130
Originally posted by pitsaman:

Bring kids to work day :-)

' . substr('//www.pbase.com/image/23974780/small.jpg', strrpos('//www.pbase.com/image/23974780/small.jpg', '/') + 1) . '


hahahahahahahhahahahahahhaha

breathe, breathe

hahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahaha
12/11/2004 06:24:43 PM · #131
I probably should have posted this in the Discover Freedom thread but ...

Canada purchases rights to "The Land of the Free" from USA

Message edited by author 2004-12-11 18:27:03.
12/11/2004 08:08:55 PM · #132
ok a redo of an old one:
A just married couple come to the bridal suite and things start to get going. Just as they reach 4th base the bride asks the groom to be careful, she's still a virgin.
A virgin, he exclaims, but you've been married 3 times before!
Yes, she said, my first husband was a psychologist, so he prefered to talk about it, my second was a former prison inmate, he prefered the "back door" and my third was a photographer, he prefered just watch! :)
12/11/2004 10:02:40 PM · #133
THIS ---> ' . substr('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/15511/thumb/127659.jpg', strrpos('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/15511/thumb/127659.jpg', '/') + 1) . '

...is the BEST laugh I've had here since I've joined DPC.

Congratulations to both of you!
12/11/2004 10:45:38 PM · #134
3 guys are walking down the street, 2 of them walk into a bar, the other one ducks.

Travis
12/13/2004 09:36:30 PM · #135
Here is one which is kind of 'politically incorrect' but funny. The joke does not really demean any group of people (except bigots).

There is an army base near a small town, and every year for Thanksgiving several of the town residents invite some of the soldiers over to their homes for Thanksgiving dinner.

On the day before Thanksgiving this woman calls up the army base and talks to the sergeant in charge of the soldiers Thanksgiving dinner program.

She says "Sergeant, I want to invite 4 soldiers over to my house tomorrow for Thanksgiving dinner. But I also want you to know that I'm very particular about the quality of men I invite into my house. I don't want any riff-raff, just good, clean red-blooded American soldiers. And I especially don't want any Polish soldiers; I can't stand Poles!".

The sergeant said wearily "don't worry, ma'am, I will send you 4 of my best soldiers tomorrow, and per your request none of them will be Polish".

The lady gave the sergeant her address and the next morning her doorbell rang. She answered the door and did a double-take when she saw four tall black soldiers in immaculate dress uniforms. One of the soldiers said "good morning, ma'am, we're here for Thanksgiving dinner".

The woman stammered a bit and said "There must be some mistake. I think you have the wrong address".

The soldier pulls out a slip of paper, looks at it, than looks at the house number above the front doorway and says "I'm sure this is the right address ma'am; Sergeant Pulaski wrote it down himself!".
12/13/2004 09:43:38 PM · #136
There are three types of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can't.
12/13/2004 09:45:52 PM · #137
On a recent public relations trip through a Mohawk Casino, a high ranking government official met with the elders of the Mohawk Nation.

He said he had a plan to improve the income of every native by $60,000.00 a year.

Details of the plan were not presented despite frequent requests to do so. He also informed the elders that he favoured every native issue proposed or sent to him for his signature.

The official was adopted as a member of the Mohawk Nation and given the name Walking Eagle.

After he left, one of his aides asked one of the elders about the significance of the name " Walking Eagle."

His response---" Bird so full of crap it can't fly
12/23/2004 07:32:08 AM · #138
NOT WORK FRIENDLY
The 12 STI's of Christmas
12/23/2004 08:11:11 AM · #139
<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b
<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?
<BonyNoMore> wait...never mind
12/23/2004 09:28:23 AM · #140
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and orders a beer.
The bartender says, we don't serve beer, to bears, in bars, in Billings, Montana.
The bear says, "if you don't serve me, I'm going to eat that lady at the end of the bar."
The bartender refuses and the bear goes to the end of the bar and swallows the woman whole.
The bear then comes back to the bartender and again orders a beer.
The bartender replied that we don't serve beer, to bears, in bars, on drugs, in Billings, Montana. The bear says, what do mean, "on drugs"?
The bartender says, "that was a bar-bitch-you-ate"
12/24/2004 12:24:26 AM · #141
I got this x-rated Christmas song as a .wav file e-mail attachment about 5 years ago:

Ho Ho (sung to the tune of the "Jingle Bells" chorus):

Ho ho, f----ng ho
What a crock of s--t

We all work for Santa Claus
We've had enough, we quit

'Cause we do all the f----n work
While he stars in the show

Stick your Christmas up your a--
Ho ho f----ng ho

12/24/2004 12:48:17 AM · #142
Originally posted by lebowski:

<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b
<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?
<BonyNoMore> wait...never mind


Oh, boy, yet another reason to require getting a license before a person can be allowed to operate a computer =)
12/24/2004 12:50:24 AM · #143
Originally posted by fotodude:

There are three types of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can't.


I've always loved the thinkgeek's "There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't." =)
12/24/2004 02:36:11 AM · #144
This is kinda gross, but now that I've warned you:
There was a woman and a man that had been married a long time, and although they were happy together, she hated the fact that he farted all the time. She asked him to stop because he would someday fart his guts out, but he didn't listen. She told him to go see a doctor because he was going to fart his guts out but he again refused. So, on Thanksgiving morning, while she was in the kitchen fixing the turkey, she decided to give him a good scare. While he was still in bed, she'd taken the guts from the turkey and put them between his legs and snuck off. About and hour or so later, she heard him screaming bloody murder and snikered to herself and knew that she'd finally taught him his lesson and that maybe now he'd see a doctor. He came running out of the bedroom and said "Honey!!! You know how you were always saying that I'd fart my guts out? Well, I did!!" She asked if he was allright and he replied "I am now... I finally got them all back in!!!!!!!"
12/24/2004 07:46:28 AM · #145
Originally posted by C_Steve_G:

THIS ---> ' . substr('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/15511/thumb/127659.jpg', strrpos('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/15511/thumb/127659.jpg', '/') + 1) . '

...is the BEST laugh I've had here since I've joined DPC.

Congratulations to both of you!


Being new here, I have to admit, that this had to be the funniest thing I've seen so far...Just about pissed my pants!! Too funny!
12/24/2004 08:02:57 AM · #146
Originally posted by rmtm333:

Originally posted by C_Steve_G:

THIS ---> ' . substr('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/15511/thumb/127659.jpg', strrpos('//images.dpchallenge.com/images_portfolio/15511/thumb/127659.jpg', '/') + 1) . '

...is the BEST laugh I've had here since I've joined DPC.

Congratulations to both of you!


Being new here, I have to admit, that this had to be the funniest thing I've seen so far...Just about pissed my pants!! Too funny!

Being "old" here it was even funnier!
12/24/2004 09:55:28 AM · #147
...psst...hey...these are only jokes so don't get all rowdy! :o)

News Flash
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring; therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.

We should've known.

Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Why Santa is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe Santa's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! (click Read More)

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would al lbe dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

* Men can't pack a bag.

* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.

* Men don't answer their mail.

* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:

* Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.

* Cupid flies around exposing himself and carrying weapons.

* Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.

But not St. Nicolas - not a chance.
12/28/2004 12:49:47 PM · #148
How Cats Kick A**
12/28/2004 12:54:00 PM · #149
More pet news (emphasis added):

"Many sources imply that parrots are simply gifted mimics who lack language comprehension and cognitive ability. The work of Dr. Irene Pepperberg, a parrot intelligence advocate, and her star pupil Alex, an African Grey, have helped to change that assessment - they showed that parrots identify colors, shapes, numbers, and actions. One of Dr. Pepperberg's graduate students is at work on InterPet Explorer, software that will enable parrots to interact with Internet-connected computers."
12/28/2004 02:02:37 PM · #150
A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo. When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.

After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage. He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets used to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer
and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.

Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time. The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat. The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean.

The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.

When the boat arrives in port the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed by the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in.

He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says::::
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Tag,
you're it".
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