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12/28/2004 02:24:01 PM · #151
...You gotta love this guy..... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends - $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion - $3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui - $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man. .......Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.
12/29/2004 05:14:47 PM · #152
For people with little to do (?) I highly suggest checking out OEDILF -- where they are collaborating on a dictionary of English with all the definitions in limerick form (clean ones!). Sign up at the above link, or view random examples like these:

Random Limerick: apprentice;

Turn apprentice -- it's one way to learn,
And while you are learning you earn.
But don't be a chump
And work for D. Trump --
Mickey Mouse got a better return.

By Meg Beagle

==========================
Random Limerick: ammonite;

The ammonites swam in the sea
Around four hundred million B.C.
'Til their elegant shells
Settled under the swells;
Now they're fossilized mollusc debris.

By speedysnail
=========================
Defines: actinomyces

There are so many scary bacteria
(Streptococcus, shigella, diphtheria,
And actinomyces)
And so many crises,
I don't use my firm's cafeteria.

By Chris Doyle
01/07/2005 10:24:31 PM · #153
OK, it's Friday (don't remember where the "other" thread is..) and here's a Friday Funny:

A man applies to be a truck driver at a new company and gets hired. "I've got one demand, though," says the man to his new employer.
"Since you hired me, you gots to hire Dave."
"Who's that?" says the boss.
"My partner. He drives when I sleep, and I drive when he sleeps," the new guy says. "You've gotta take Dave."
"Well, answer this question satisfactorily and I'll hire Dave too," says the boss. "You're going down a hill, your brakes go out, and up ahead is a bridge with an 18-wheeler jack-knifed across it. What would you do?"
"I'd wake up Dave," replies the man.
"How's that going to help?" says the boss.
"We've been together for 25 years," says the new guy, "and he ain't never seen a wreck like the one we're about to have!"

' . substr('//www.forocoches.com/foro/images/smilies/drive.gif', strrpos('//www.forocoches.com/foro/images/smilies/drive.gif', '/') + 1) . ' Beep Beep!
02/04/2005 01:57:25 PM · #154
Found this
' . substr('//tinypic.com/1jkcj9', strrpos('//tinypic.com/1jkcj9', '/') + 1) . '
02/04/2005 02:44:20 PM · #155
One snowman to another: "Can you smell carrots?"
02/04/2005 03:00:55 PM · #156
ok so i'm 2days late but here goes-

there are 3 Japanese men about to take the citizen test for the USA. The 3 are ushered into a small room and go through all the written test and fill out the nessary paper-work.

then they go to next door for the oral exam....the man behind the desk calls them 1 by 1...

to the 1st he goes through the usal rigamoral then he arives at the last question, he says-

What is the importance of the Thanks Giving holiday to Americans?

the 1st replies- "Ahhh es thanx givin be when amircan take fire cracker set off, and wave flag."

no, no i'm soory the man replies thats wrong....next he calls to the 2nd of the lot.

as his last question he askes, What is the importance of The 4th of July to Americans?

the 2nd replies (very confidently) "dat be whre Amircan and Notive Amircan came togethir and et fest"

no i'm sorry u got that 1 wrong the man replies....next he says calling the third-

to him he asks, What was is the importance of Easter to the Christain Pillgrims who came to America?

the 3rd man seems relieved at the question and says with much viggor-
"The Holiday Easter, is remembered by the pilgrims since they were Christains. It was when Jesus went to die for their sins He was put on cross and then burred. For 3 days He lay, then angle come and roll back the stone.....Juses come out see his shadow 6 more weeks of winter"

i'm very sorry i had too why phil? why, why, why?

_brando_
02/04/2005 03:18:44 PM · #157
Shakespeare walks in to a pub...

The landlord says "Get Out, your Barred!
02/04/2005 04:18:19 PM · #158
How many Freudian psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2 one to hold the light bulb and the other to hold my penis... no.. my mother.. no the ladder.
02/04/2005 04:37:42 PM · #159
This is a short quiz about William Shakespeare. We will have questions about his poems.

Okay, we'll start with some questions about WIlliam Shakespeare, then the poems...we'll go from Bard to Verse!!
02/04/2005 06:30:17 PM · #160
In my joke mail today ...

A Day in Tech Support
Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."

Tech Support: "What does it say?"

Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."

Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"

Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

*************
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."

Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

*************
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."

Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

*************
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"

Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

*************
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

*************
Customer: "Now what do I do?"

Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"

Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"

Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."

Customer: "How do you spell that?"

*************
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
02/04/2005 08:46:47 PM · #161
This guy dies and checks in with St. Peter. St. Peter looks up his record and tells the guy to go through the door to his left. The guy goes through the door and after walking around for a little while a big limousine drives by and in the back seat is somebody who looks just like John Kerry.

A little while later the guy meets another guy and mentions the guy in the back of the limousine who looks just like John Kerry. The other guy says "that really IS John Kerry; he's the president here".

The first guy says "well, that's good to hear. Even though he missed out on becoming the president of the United States, it's nice to know that John Kerry succeeded in becoming the president of Heaven".

The second guy says "I've got news for you, buddy, we're not in Heaven!".

Message edited by author 2005-02-04 20:47:59.
02/04/2005 08:54:39 PM · #162
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the lightbulb has to really WANT to change...

Robt.
02/04/2005 09:00:15 PM · #163
How did Pinocchio discover that he was made out of wood?

When his hand caught on fire....
02/04/2005 11:06:05 PM · #164
The Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
02/05/2005 11:44:20 AM · #165
What hath NASCAR wrought?
================================
Feb 1, 2005
FOREHEAD

This skin available. This is Dave Ross.

Andrew Fischer has started a movement. At the age of 20, this web designer from the Omaha, Nebraska heartland put his forehead up for rent on eBay, and hooked a contract to wear an anti-snoring logo... for $37,375 a MONTH.

Way more than you can make selling internal organs.

And it has set off a scramble among people with any decent amount of space at ALL between their ears to do the same.

EBay now has close to 400 active auctions for forehead space:

Here's one: "Advertise on my forehead. My name is Donnie. My fiance is gonna kill me when someone wins this auction but my God & Savior, chocolate peanut butter ice cream, made me do this..." No bids yet, for some reason.

Here's a guy who works in a Chicago nightclub who will rent you NOT only his forehead, but his back in the spring and summer when he plays beach volleyball.

Here's a guy in Levittown PA who promises not only to go to college parties and the pool hall wearing your logo, but to hang around the window outside the Today Show - his bid is up to $1500. Hang out at the Michael Jackson trial, man!

Here's a guy who'll put your ad absolutely anywhere: (QUOTE)

IF ITS MY FOREHEAD FINE.

IF ITS MY FOREARM FINE.

I HAVE NO FORESKIN BUT IF YOU WANT IT DOWN THERE, FINE.

IF YOUR A CONDOM COMPANY, BASED ON MY EXAMPLE THAT I AM SETTING HERE, I WOULD BE A GOOD PERSON TO ADVERTISE ON... SHOULD MY PARENTS HAVE USED PROTECTION???

And there are signs the movement is about to take the next step:

ADVERTISE ON MY CHEST!

I am the proud owner of 2 beautiful breasts and I am willing to advertise on them for the right price.

Bidding so far - $301 - and that's for TWO.

The magic of competition.
02/06/2005 11:41:27 PM · #166
I don't know if I posted this one already, but it's a good one:

This guy walking down the sidewalk sees a lamp lying on the ground which looks just like Aladin's magic lamp. Just for the heck of it he picks it up and rubs it. A genie comes out of the lamp and says, "you can have one wish; whatever you want, but there's a catch." The guy says "what's the catch?". The genie says "whatever you wish for you get, and every doctor within a 10-mile radius gets double your wish". The guy says "that's no problem; I wish for a million dollars." The genie snaps his fingers, the guy gets a million dollars, and every doctor within a 10-mile radius gets 2 million dollars.

The next day another guy sees the lamp lying on the ground, picks it up, and rubs it. The genie comes out and says "You have one wish, whatever you want, but the catch is whatever you wish for you get, and every fireman within a 10-mile radius gets double your wish". The guy says "that's no problem; I wish for a million dollars". The genie snaps his fingers, the guy gets a million dollars, and every fireman within a 10-mile radius gets 2 million dollars.

The next day yet another guy sees the lamp lying on the ground, picks it up, and rubs it. The genie pops out and says "You can have one wish, whatever you want, but there's a catch." The guy says "what's the catch?". The genie says "whatever you wish for, you get, and every lawyer within a 10-mile radius gets double your wish". The guy says "I'll have to think about that for a few minutes". Finally, about 10 minutes later, he says "I wish to immediatly donate one of my kidneys to the organ bank!".
02/07/2005 03:48:19 AM · #167
Received from: Michele

When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone asked what he did for a living, I always said, "He's a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races."

Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke.

"So what do you do?" she asked.

Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, "I sell drugs."
02/07/2005 04:52:25 PM · #168
OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR -- NY Times

Freedom's Not Just Another Word

By DAVID HACKETT FISCHER

Published: February 7, 2005

... There is no one true definition of liberty and freedom in the world, though many people to the left and right believe that they have found it. And, yet, there is one great historical process in which liberty and freedom have developed, often in unexpected ways.

The words themselves have a surprising history. The oldest known word with such a meaning comes to us from ancient Iraq. The Sumerian "ama-ar-gi," found on tablets in the ruins of the city-state of Lagash, which flourished four millenniums ago, derived from the verb "ama-gi," which literally meant "going home to mother." It described the condition of emancipated servants who returned to their own free families - an interesting link to the monument in Baghdad. (In contemporary America, the ancient characters for "ama-ar-gi" have become the logos of some libertarian organizations, as well as tattoos among members of politically conservative motorcycle gangs, who may not know that the inscriptions on their biceps mean heading home to mom.)
02/07/2005 07:03:02 PM · #169
Originally posted by Imagineer:

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.


Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no genitalia?
A: No f-ing idea.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no genitalia and no legs?
A: Still no f-ing idea.
02/24/2005 01:23:57 PM · #170
If you're in need of some silly faces and a good laugh:
Shake skin
02/24/2005 03:03:11 PM · #171
this baby seal walks into a club....

two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. BaDum-Chish!
02/24/2005 08:16:16 PM · #172
Sorry about this one.........

A young lady returns from a vacation to South America, goes to the foreign exchange desk at her local bank, hands a big stack of foreign currency to the teller, and says "I want to exchange this foreign money for American money".

The teller counts all the currency, enters the total into a computer, and hands the young lady five dollars and seventy-six cents. The young lady says "Is that all I get?". The teller says "I'm afraid so, ma'am, that country has an annual inflation rate of around 50% and in fact they have had to devaluate their currency twice in the past six months."

The young lady shakes her head in anger and says "That lousy, no-good bastard; I even cooked breakfast for him!".
04/26/2005 09:14:58 PM · #173
just to keep this thread alive:
CAT-MANUAL
05/31/2005 06:35:55 PM · #174
Some quite funny comics at white ninja
for example this one:
White Ninja and the magic lamp
07/08/2005 07:39:54 PM · #175
A guy checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get himself one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab.

He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he's in his room and figured, what the heck, he'd give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

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