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07/08/2005 07:48:18 PM · #176
:LDKFJW$#P(*%&(P%&@N(&%(H*@Y#$%*YIU@#Y%IO@#LI:%JLKJLKJL:KJL:FKJDSAF()&W$ER(8qu7y9UP98UQAEIOFJA;LI3WU598AWUYELKFJALK;JD;ljalk;sjdfapou r7r098q4tuaifklajsd;lf jal;ksdfgq498qauyw;lijeflk;ajsdf

Sorry, just had to get that out of my system. Thanks for the thread.
07/08/2005 07:51:52 PM · #177
Originally posted by deapee:

:LDKFJW$#P(*%&(P%&@N(&%(H*@Y#$%*YIU@#Y%IO@#LI:%JLKJLKJL:KJL:FKJDSAF()&W$ER(8qu7y9UP98UQAEIOFJA;LI3WU598AWUYELKFJALK;JD;ljalk;sjdfapou r7r098q4tuaifklajsd;lf jal;ksdfgq498qauyw;lijeflk;ajsdf



We obviously went to the same typing school. I can't type with more than one finger either.
07/08/2005 07:56:51 PM · #178
What do you call a dead blond in the closet?

Hide-and-go-seek champion of 2002
07/08/2005 08:13:24 PM · #179
Originally posted by Digital Grizzly:

Everyone on this sight who posts on the forums seems to be so serious. At lweast that what it seems like to me. So I figured I would lighten things up a bit and create a thread that is the opposite of serious. So, if you have any jokes or funny stories then post them here and brighten up someone's day.


Ahem. If this were a place for humor, there would be a Humor forum. I for one, am loathe to participate in anything relating to humor, jokes, riddles, limericks, photo-shenanigans, or any such tom-foolery. I come here for the seriousness, the head-butting political and religious threads, the strife and mayhem in the forums, the PM's complaining about my insensitive comments and for the consistently slightly-above-mediocre scores on my challenge entries. Please take your rubber chicken elsewhere.
' . substr('//www.kpriest.com/dpchallenge/ROFL_duck.gif', strrpos('//www.kpriest.com/dpchallenge/ROFL_duck.gif', '/') + 1) . '

Sorry - that's as much as I could type with a straight face. - HAPPY FRIDAY!
07/08/2005 08:19:38 PM · #180
Little Judy:      I'm going to take my new doll out to lunch.

Little Joey:      But what will it eat???

Little Judy:      Barbie-Q chicken.

------------------
A Three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."
==========
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? (I especially like this one)

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Oldies but goodies.
Apologies if these have been posted already.
Have a good weekend!
07/08/2005 08:31:10 PM · #181
Man walks up to a man with a dog

"Does your dog bite?"

"No"

Bends down to pet the dog "cuteeee puppeeee"

Dog snarls and bites into two fingers

"Hey - I thought you said your dog didn't bite"

"That's not my dog"


07/08/2005 08:45:27 PM · #182
LIFE IS SHORT, DANCE NAKED and WIGGLE YOUR BUTT
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Oops! Is this considered nudity?
07/08/2005 08:50:38 PM · #183
Originally posted by scrum8:

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and orders a beer.
The bartender says, we don't serve beer, to bears, in bars, in Billings, Montana.
The bear says, "if you don't serve me, I'm going to eat that lady at the end of the bar."
The bartender refuses and the bear goes to the end of the bar and swallows the woman whole.
The bear then comes back to the bartender and again orders a beer.
The bartender replied that we don't serve beer, to bears, in bars, on drugs, in Billings, Montana. The bear says, what do mean, "on drugs"?
The bartender says, "that was a bar-bitch-you-ate"


Hey, why Billings, Montana???? I'm from Billings, Montana so be careful!! LOL
07/08/2005 09:21:11 PM · #184
This is true:

My brother went to the doctor. During his physical the doctor read his medical chart and asked "Your chart says you suffered from a bleeding ulcer?" "I did, but I haven't had any symptoms for years." He answered "That's unusual said the doctor, what did you do to get rid of it?" With a straight face, my brother replied "Got a divorce."
07/08/2005 10:08:31 PM · #185
Three strings walk into a bar. They find a table kinda near the back and sit down. After a few minutes of waiting for a waitress, one gets up and goes to the bar. Bartender says, " We don't serve strings here." The string goes back and tells his friends what happened. The second one gets angry at the treatment of his friend and goes up to the bartender and demands drinks. The bartender replies" sorry man, but it's company policy to not serve strings". The second string decides he can't get around that one so he heads back to the table. The third string gets up, goes into the bathroom, ties himself into a know and unravels his top a bit. Then he walk up to the bar and the bartender says, "Aren't you a string?" and the string replies, " No sir, I'm a frayed knot"....... sorry I know it's bad. OH! another.

Q:How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elphant gun.
Q: How do you kill a red elephant?
A: choke it till it turns blue then shoot it with the blue elphant gun.

Q;Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: it's dead.
Q: why'd the parrot fall out of the tree?
A: it was stapled to the monkey.
07/08/2005 11:54:26 PM · #186
Been wanting to post this for a while...
*** The Baby Photographer ***

The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Jones.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long."
"Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
07/09/2005 12:03:18 AM · #187
roflmao@baby photographer
07/09/2005 12:04:28 AM · #188
Originally posted by CLarson557:


Hey, why Billings, Montana???? I'm from Billings, Montana so be careful!! LOL

Hey - me too! I second the motion.
:)
07/09/2005 12:09:11 AM · #189
funny IRC quotes
07/09/2005 12:15:15 AM · #190
Two attorneys on lunch, stop into a diner.
They order drinks only, and when the waitress
brings the drinks ordered, she sees the two pull
sandwiches from each of their briefcases.

"We don't allow customers to eat their own food here!" She exclaims.

The attorneys looked at her, looked at each other, shrugged their
shoulders and exchanged sandwiches.
07/09/2005 12:20:23 AM · #191
I saw the joke about the frog and the loan. I heard it this way.
A frog walks into a bank and asks how he can get a loan.
The loan officer, Patty Whack, says well you will need some references.
The frog said, My father is Mick Jagger.
Patty Whack thought this over and said, you need some collateral.
So the frog produces a small copy of the Statue of Liberty.
Not wanting to make the frog unhappy she goes to the bank manager.
Sir, I have a frog out here who wants to take out a loan. He says his father is Mick Jagger and he gave me this for collateral, what is this?
Her boss says, "It's a nic-nac Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
07/09/2005 12:42:23 AM · #192
Well here is a true story.
When I moved in with my husband five years ago I brought my two children with me to add to his two.
So when I found out we were expecting our first child together I was elated, but sort of confused because I was on the birth control pill and never missed a dose.
Over the next few weeks I told all of my friends and family how I got pregnant "on the pill."
While sitting together in the living room one night I made a comment about the baby in my belly being my husbands.
My step daughter said "No Shana, that is not Daddy's baby."
I said "Well of course it is Katie, who else's would it be?"
To this my little girl replied "But you said you got pregnant with a pill!"
'Out of the mouths of babes!!'
07/09/2005 12:44:29 AM · #193
I can't believe I haven't posted this one yet ...
=====

The President called in the heads of all the various security and investigative departments and demanded to know just how the Jews always seemed to know what was going on before it was announced, practically before it had been decided.

A week later they all gathered again, and each reported the same thing: the Jewish men would gather at the synagogue before prayers, and one of them would walk up to another, poke a finger in his chest, and say "Let's schmooze!"

Early the next Saturday morning, the President put on a false beard along with a dark coat and hat, snuck out of the White House, and walked down to the local synagogue. Finding a small cluster of respectable-looking men waiting for a minyan, he went up to the nearest, put a finger in his chest, and said "Let's schmooze!"

"Shhh...! Not today," the man whispered back, "the President's coming!"
07/09/2005 01:17:15 AM · #194
As humorous true stories go, and one from the "kids say the darndest things file" in my own life:

While sitting at the dinette table one afternoon, Heather, my daughter (then age 5) asked me where
glass came from (inserts in table), and I explained to her about how sand was melted, etc.
Not to make my son (then age 3) feel left out, I looked at him and asked:
"Hey Zac - where does wood come from? (gesturing to the wooden framework on the table).
Dramatic pause.
He looked up, and in the smartest & proudest look, said
"From Home Depot !"

Gotta' love the innocence of a child...

(for our Int'l friends, Home Depot is a huge home improvement store)
07/09/2005 01:53:56 AM · #195
I didn't have time to read everyone's jokes to see if this on had been done, but here's my favorite joke anyway:

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you." Then the screwdriver replies, "Really? You've got a drink named Steve?"

It's so dumb that it kills me every time.
07/09/2005 04:32:05 AM · #196
Differences between your boss & you

1 - When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

2 When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

3 When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

4 When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

5 When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

6 When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

7 When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

8 When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

9 When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.


07/09/2005 10:46:02 AM · #197
Outdoors writer Tom Stienstra describes a fisherman as a liar standing next to some water.
07/09/2005 11:13:06 AM · #198
Disclaimer: I don;t think this is politically incorrect but pre-apologies if anyone else does:

When Pfizer launched Viagra, they did a lot of market research and found that women were primary drivers of purchases of Viagra. When they looked into it further, they found many interesting differences according to religion:

- Catholic women continually urged their husbands to go out to buy some Viagra

- Protestant women went out and bought the Viagra for their husbands

- And Jewish women..........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...told their husbands to go out and buy Pfizer stock.
07/13/2005 04:27:03 PM · #199
Two trampers out in the Rockies stumble across a large grizzly bear. The first one is frozen solid with fear. The second one grabs his back pack & starts pulling out a pair of running shoes & then starts putting them on.
"What are you doing?" asks the first tramper, "You know you cant out run a bear."
"I don't have to out run the bear" replyed the second tramper, "I only have to out run you.

Message edited by author 2005-07-13 16:27:34.
01/27/2006 10:39:15 PM · #200
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland.

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?

"Suspicion of anything foreign."
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