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03/16/2006 04:15:05 PM · #201
Our Options Have Changed

Link courtesy of David Pogue at the NY Times (check out the posts on Dell tech support!).
04/21/2006 04:50:10 PM · #202
A photo I took (and subsequently modified a bit) inspired me to write this satirical article for BBspot.com
04/21/2006 07:54:03 PM · #203
Do they make those smart-cars in Subaru? :)

Nope. Wait a minute. It's US cars. Hmmmm.

Message edited by author 2006-04-21 19:55:11.
04/24/2006 12:28:32 PM · #204
Daily Humor
April 24, 2006

While working in a photographic-supply store, I was demonstrating a telescope to a customer who had recently become interested in star-gazing. I pointed out that he could attach his camera to the telescope and take pictures of his celestial findings. "That sounds great," he said, "but wouldn't I need a really big flash?"

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Duncan Burnham
05/22/2006 12:53:00 PM · #205
From todays Joke-Of-The-Day:

Heaven or Hell?

It comes to the end of Bill Gates long, successful life, he finds himself in the Purgatory waiting room, when God enters...

"Well, Bill," says God, "I'm confused. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell: you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you've also created some of the most unearthly frustrations known to mankind. I'm going to do something I've never done before: I'm going to let you choose where you want to go."

Bill replies, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly to help you make your decision."

"Okay, where should I go first?" asks Bill.

God says, "That's up to you."

Bill says, "OK, let's try Hell first."

So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There are thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is just right. The whole thing looks perfect, and Bill is very pleased.

"This is great!" he tells God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," says God, and off they go.

Heaven is a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It very nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a moment and announces his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell." he tells God.

"Fine," says God, "As you desire."

So Bill Gates is taken to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decides to check up on Bill to see how he's doing in Hell. When God arrives in Hell, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He's being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asks.

Bill replies, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, it's not what I expected at all, I can't believe it. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God smiles and says, "That was the screen saver."
=====================================================
I hope this is no one we know ... might've done well in "Environmental Portrait" though:

Museum Accident

Message edited by author 2006-05-22 12:59:38.
05/22/2006 01:33:18 PM · #206
Silly joke!

Daddy balloon is having a last bedtime chat with Baby balloon.
"Now,son, you know that you are getting a big balloon now and mummy and I think it would be a good idea if you slept ALL night in your own bed."
"OK, Daddy, I will"
"Promise?"
"Promise!"
So Daddy turns out the light and he and mummy go to bed.
In the middle of the night, Baby gets up and, forgetting his promise, goes into his parent's bedroom. He tries to climb into their bed but he cannot quite squeeze in. Thinking quickly, he unties mummy's neck and lets out just a little bit of air and the ties her up again. He climbs up again but still there isn't enough room. He reaches for Daddy's neck and after untying it , he gently lets out just a small puff of air. But still there is not enough room for him to get into their bed. Finally he unties his own neck and lets out some air, ties himself up and, hurray, there was now enough room for him to snuggle down between his parents. He sighs deeply and drifts off to sleep.
Next morning, Daddy wakes up and is very annoyed to find Baby balloon tucked up between him and his wife. Angrily he grabs Baby and pulls him out of bed.
"Son," he says, 'I am VERY annoyed with you. You promised you wouldn't get into our bed last night.I am very disappointed in you. You've let your mother down, you've let me down and, most of all, you've let yourself down!!"

Well I laughed!!!!
05/22/2006 02:27:29 PM · #207
lol cute riponlady...

Saw this in Reader's Digest yesterday...

You know you're old when you go to an antique auction and recieve 3 bids.

and thought of submitting this version to MTV's "Yo Momma"...

Your momma is so old, when The Antique Road Show came to your town, they did a 1/2 hour special on her alone.

Message edited by author 2006-05-22 14:30:08.
05/24/2006 05:52:00 PM · #208
The Donkey and The Raffle

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron...
05/24/2006 06:05:56 PM · #209
Three blondes were out walking one day when they came upon some tracks.

The first blonde said, "Hey, look, deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, I think those are rabbit tracks."

And the third blonde was hit by the train.
05/24/2006 06:19:18 PM · #210
Three pilots were out walking and stumbled upon a magic lamp.. playing along they rub it and out pops the genie who offers them each one wish.

Thinking long and hard the first pilot says okay I'd like you to double my IQ.. the genie nods and says Done..

the second pilot not to be outdone and not overly creative says okay i'd like you to triple my IQ.. genie smiles and says Done.

the last pilot says, "okay genie.. i want you to quadruple my IQ" the genie looks rather worried..and says are you sure you dont want a new house.. a million dollars.. mebbe a car and trip around the world.. the pilot is sure and says No!! I want you to quadruple my IQ. The genie looks resigned and says as you wish..

POOF.. the pilot turned into a flight attendant!!!
05/24/2006 06:23:47 PM · #211
I met a girl last night, i asked her name, she replied "chantelle", i said "oh go on, please do..."
05/24/2006 06:26:15 PM · #212
Originally posted by Shecoya:

Three pilots were out walking and stumbled upon a magic lamp.. playing along they rub it and out pops the genie who offers them each one wish.

Thinking long and hard the first pilot says okay I'd like you to double my IQ.. the genie nods and says Done..

the second pilot not to be outdone and not overly creative says okay i'd like you to triple my IQ.. genie smiles and says Done.

the last pilot says, "okay genie.. i want you to quadruple my IQ" the genie looks rather worried..and says are you sure you dont want a new house.. a million dollars.. mebbe a car and trip around the world.. the pilot is sure and says No!! I want you to quadruple my IQ. The genie looks resigned and says as you wish..

POOF.. the pilot turned into a flight attendant!!!


that's under the assumption that the filght attendant is a woman?? or did he turn in to a gay man?? :P
05/24/2006 06:30:30 PM · #213
Originally posted by wavelength:

that's under the assumption that the filght attendant is a woman?? or did he turn in to a gay man?? :P


Either works wouldnt you say? *winx* its all about the Feminem ;)

Message edited by author 2006-05-24 18:34:21.
05/24/2006 07:17:08 PM · #214
Johny and Timmy are walking through the woods and come across the local watering hole. They hear splashing and peak through the bushes. They see a very cute highschool girl skinny dipping. After looking for a few minutes, Johny takes off running like crazy. Timmy chases him down and finally catches up. He says, 'Hey, why'd you take off like that?' Johny says, 'Well my mom told me if I ever looked at a girl who was naked I'd turn into stone and I felt it starting...'
05/24/2006 07:19:29 PM · #215
You know, I always felt a little sympathy for Bill Clinton; much abused by the press really. The simple truth of the matter was that he'd been served a particularly poor meal in the White House dingin room. On his way back to the Oval Office, stomach grumbling and very uncomfortable, he simply popped his head into an office occupied by a young intern and said ...

'sack my cook'
06/03/2006 06:00:42 PM · #216
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.

************************************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

***********************************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

***********************************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "Hell, I know that guy."

**********************************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so sick and tired of
chardonnay."

**********************************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said,"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
06/07/2006 08:47:08 PM · #217
How Blondes Take Photos
06/07/2006 10:26:34 PM · #218
Originally posted by GeneralE:

How Blondes Take Photos


Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh........what a scream!!
06/08/2006 01:35:52 AM · #219
' . substr('//www.whiteninjacomics.com/images/comics/photographer.gif', strrpos('//www.whiteninjacomics.com/images/comics/photographer.gif', '/') + 1) . '

' . substr('//www.whiteninjacomics.com/images/comics/soup.gif', strrpos('//www.whiteninjacomics.com/images/comics/soup.gif', '/') + 1) . '
06/08/2006 01:54:01 AM · #220
This is a great video!

Evolution of Dance
06/08/2006 01:57:06 AM · #221
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
06/08/2006 01:58:21 AM · #222
Too HOT for televison...

Click on "TV Spot"

(I dunno if someone has already posted this or not, sorry if someone has)
06/08/2006 02:22:29 AM · #223
Originally posted by Bosborne:

This is a great video!

Evolution of Dance


OMFG!
That was hilarious.
Its 2:30 AM and I was trying to not be noisy but the video just kept me laughing.
I totally saw the 'big butts' song coming!
xD
06/08/2006 02:25:48 AM · #224
well get a laugh at these ones!

knock, knock
"who's there?"
police
"police who?"
police open the door,this joke's heavy!!

why did the fly,fly?
'cause the spider,spied'er!

what do you call a fairy that never washes?
stinkerbell!

I'm sorry that these jokes might be a little bit boring, but I'm only 9 years old.Happy cracking!
06/08/2006 02:46:07 AM · #225
silly book titles

how to:
*be smaller by Neil Downn
*be taller by Stan Dupp
*jump off a cliff by Hugo First

horror stories by R U scared

rusty bedsprings by I P nightly

hahaha!

silly book titles are my favourite jokes.
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