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DPChallenge Forums >> General Discussion >> Just For Some Laughs 2020 Edition
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09/08/2020 07:21:51 PM · #1
The original thread (spanning 12 years of humor?) has been dormant quite a while, and I'm sure we could all use a few laughs (except ' . substr('https://www.dpchallenge.com/images/user_icon/21.gif', strrpos('https://www.dpchallenge.com/images/user_icon/21.gif', '/') + 1) . ' NikonJeb whose ribs may not yet be healed from my last joke), so in honor of the barely-revived baseball season here is a repeat of one of my favorites, from 2004:
=============================

A man takes his dog into a bar and asks for two beers. The irate bartender says "Get that dog outta here!"

"You don't understand," says the man, "this is a talking dog."

"Oh, sure," says the bartender, "we better hear him talk right now."

The man turns to the dog and asks "What's on top of this building?"

"Rrrrroof," replies the dog.

"That's not talking," says the bartender, starting to make his way around the counter.

"Wait," says the man, "that's not all. What's the most popular mini-series of all time?" he asks.

"Rrrrrroots," says the dog, as the other patrons begin to clear the way for the seemingly inevitible action to follow.

"Hold on, one more," says the man desperately. "Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"

The dog, glad to know the answer to this one too, joyfully yelps out "Rrrrruth," at which point the bartender grabs them by their respective collars and flings them through the front door.

Outside, on the sidewalk, the dog turns to the man and says "Gee, do you think I should have said Mickey Mantle?"
09/08/2020 07:56:36 PM · #2
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09/08/2020 09:45:12 PM · #3
That joke is really RRuff;)
09/08/2020 11:01:37 PM · #4
Hot air

A man in a hot air balloon is lost in the mist. He reduces height and, spotting a man below, shouts, "excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man replies, "yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in information technology," says the balloonist.
"I do, but how do you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it is no use to anyone."

The man below says, "you must work in business."
"I do, but how do you know?"
"Well," says the man on the ground, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, and you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
09/09/2020 11:02:29 AM · #5
Paul's (GeneralE) joke has long been a favorite of mine, and generally tracks with the version I'm familiar with. The only difference is that the greatest baseball player of all time, instead of Mickey Mantle, is Lou Gehrig. NYC-centric, can't help it.
And I love Robert's (Bear_Music) Hot Air joke. It's of the popular genre of tweaking various professions, religions, etc., and healthily deflates overblown opinions.
Here's one that I must put in context. When I came across it in Zadie Smith's wonderful novel, White Teeth, I burst out laughing. Shelley, my wife, did not find it funny. I tried telling it again (and again), all to no avail. If I try to sneak it in she shuts me down in a flash. Yes, I can be quite annoying. Here's how I remember it, to the best of my ability. What do you think?
What did the inflatible principal of the inflatible school say to the inflatible student who was holding a pin? "You've let me down, you've let yourself down, you've let the whole school down."
09/09/2020 05:54:05 PM · #6
I'm with Shelley. :D

09/09/2020 07:16:32 PM · #7
Is Shelley a school principal?
09/09/2020 10:11:40 PM · #8
No, not a principal, but a professor (math). Maybe that interfered with her sense of humor. Dealing with irrational and imaginary numbers should bring out a sense of whimsy, I'd suppose. Maybe I'm wrong about the joke. Nah, not possible.
Lydia, you gave her a laugh. What a topsy-turvy world.
09/10/2020 01:12:15 AM · #9
Whimsical, yes. I did smile at the imagery.
09/10/2020 05:03:54 PM · #10
Originally posted by PennyStreet:

Whimsical, yes. I did smile at the imagery.

Agreed. I didn't see it as a "joke" joke, but as a piece of whimsical nonsense that fits right in with Edward Lear and his ilk. Or Vonnegut. Tell Shelley Piet Hein would have loved it :-)
09/10/2020 05:24:46 PM · #11
Here's a Shaggy Dog version of a classic one-liner :-)

+++++++++++++++++++

So there’s a farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. They do just about everything together. And one day, they’re sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer’s kid is watching MTV, and they’re watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says “you know what? I’m gonna learn how to do that.”

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, “Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar.” Guy on the phone says “no problem. Come on down.” “No, there might be one problem. I’m a horse.” “Naw, it ain’t a problem. We’ll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise.” So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he’s like “LOOK WHAT I CAN DO” and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says “holy crap. That’s awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What’s like that?” And horse says “Bass. Learn to play bass.”

So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says “Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar.” Guy on the phone says “No problem, miss, come on down.”“Eh, this might be a problem. I’m a cow.” “Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise.” So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fricking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says “Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that.”

Horse says “Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here.” So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says “Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums.”Guy on the phone says “No problem, man. Come on down.” “Eh, maybe a problem. I’m a chicken.” “Naw. Ain’t no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums.” So chicken learns the drums, and he’s simply amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer’s out.

And one day they’re playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he’s like “what the heck? that sounds amazing.” so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says “Holy crap. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You’re gonna be HUGE.”

So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy’s deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they’re big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there’s a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom’s real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they’re cool as hell. They say “Listen. Go see your mom. We’ll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us.” Horse says “Thanks, guys. you’re the best,” and he takes off.

Couple of days later, Horse’s mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It’s his agent. Cow and Chicken’s plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he’s lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He’s been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he’s on that walk, he just can’t shake the blues, so he figures to himself “Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it.”

So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says “Hey. Why the long face?

+++++++++++++++++

(Runs for Shelter)

Message edited by author 2020-09-10 17:27:29.
09/10/2020 05:35:45 PM · #12
No... you didn't, Bear.

Please tell me I imagined that.

:D

09/10/2020 05:38:55 PM · #13
Not entirely sure Don McLean would appreciate that version ...
09/10/2020 06:20:28 PM · #14
Originally posted by Lydia:

No... you didn't, Bear.

Please tell me I imagined that.

I did, and YOU didn't :-)
09/10/2020 06:45:12 PM · #15
That was a very moo ving story but I can’t help but think it was a cheap cheap shot at the audience. No horsing around.
09/10/2020 07:15:04 PM · #16
A timely one grabbed from the old thread ...
========
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
09/10/2020 10:58:45 PM · #17
Grrrrrrrrrrrroan....
09/10/2020 11:29:21 PM · #18
A man and woman have been dating for a while and the relationship has become more serious. A discussion about marriage begins with the man expressing his sincerity but stating “ I will always respect your feelings my dear but I have to be honest with you so you will know ahead of time that I love golf. My golf plans will come before anything else in our marriage. If your mother is coming over and I have a game, you will have to understand the golf comes first. If you have any other plans they will have to be changed. The women looked at him and said with relief “I am so glad you are being honest with me because I want to be honest with you. I am a hooker”. With that the man replied. “That is not a problem that cannot be solved. Stand a little closer to the ball and swing...........”!!!
09/11/2020 11:28:19 AM · #19
Originally posted by GolferDDS:

A man and woman have been dating for a while and the relationship has become more serious. A discussion about marriage begins with the man expressing his sincerity but stating “ I will always respect your feelings my dear but I have to be honest with you so you will know ahead of time that I love golf. My golf plans will come before anything else in our marriage. If your mother is coming over and I have a game, you will have to understand the golf comes first. If you have any other plans they will have to be changed. The women looked at him and said with relief “I am so glad you are being honest with me because I want to be honest with you. I am a hooker”. With that the man replied. “That is not a problem that cannot be solved. Stand a little closer to the ball and swing...........”!!!

That's SO wrong! The correct punchline is "Not a problem! Just rotate your hands a little to the left when you take your grip!"
09/11/2020 02:11:24 PM · #20
Originally posted by Bear_Music:

Originally posted by GolferDDS:

A man and woman have been dating for a while and the relationship has become more serious. A discussion about marriage begins with the man expressing his sincerity but stating “ I will always respect your feelings my dear but I have to be honest with you so you will know ahead of time that I love golf. My golf plans will come before anything else in our marriage. If your mother is coming over and I have a game, you will have to understand the golf comes first. If you have any other plans they will have to be changed. The women looked at him and said with relief “I am so glad you are being honest with me because I want to be honest with you. I am a hooker”. With that the man replied. “That is not a problem that cannot be solved. Stand a little closer to the ball and swing...........”!!!

That's SO wrong! The correct punchline is "Not a problem! Just rotate your hands a little to the left when you take your grip!"


My mistake. The patient had gauze in his mouth when he told me the punchline!
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