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DPChallenge Forums >> General Discussion >> Know any funny jokes?
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11/19/2005 06:01:25 PM · #1
Make me laugh, I am in need of a good laugh. I really want to lol.


11/19/2005 06:09:23 PM · #2
what did the fish say when he hit a wall in the lake?
11/19/2005 06:11:02 PM · #3
Originally posted by wavelength:

what did the fish say when he hit a wall in the lake?


What?
11/19/2005 06:15:26 PM · #4
Why can't you find a elephant hinding in a tree?
11/19/2005 06:16:14 PM · #5
Originally posted by jsas:

Originally posted by wavelength:

what did the fish say when he hit a wall in the lake?


What?


Dam
11/19/2005 06:29:33 PM · #6
Originally posted by philup:

Why can't you find a elephant hinding in a tree?


Why not?
11/19/2005 06:33:42 PM · #7
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots and slams em down
He orders 10 more and slams em down
So he orders 10 more and the bartender says buddy you don't need to slam those shots like that.

And the man says you do if you have what I have.

The bartender says oh sorry what do you have?

The man says 'bout a buck fifty.

Message edited by author 2005-11-19 18:34:10.
11/19/2005 06:35:22 PM · #8
Originally posted by jsas:

Originally posted by philup:

Why can't you find a elephant hinding in a tree?


Why not?


DUH...he's hiding..

I know..pretty dumb
11/19/2005 06:39:21 PM · #9
One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
11/19/2005 06:43:09 PM · #10
The 25 BBS Commandments
Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.

Thou shalt remember thy name and password.

Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.

Honor thy SysOp.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.

Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.

Thou shalt use the English language properly.

Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.

Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.

Thou shalt help other users.

Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.

Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.

Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.

Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.

Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.

Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.

If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.

Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.

Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp's rules.
Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.

Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs.

Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.

Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.

Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.

Thou shalt not hack.
11/19/2005 06:54:16 PM · #11
A man walks into a restaurant and orders a hamburger he takes a bite and notices a hair in his hamburger. He yells at the waitress, hey there is a hair in my burger, he asks to see the cook. The waitress takes him back and to his surprise the cook is flattening a meat patty under his arm. The man says that is gross!
The waitress says tell me about it. You should see him make donuts
11/19/2005 06:55:16 PM · #12
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
11/19/2005 06:57:21 PM · #13
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

11/19/2005 07:04:28 PM · #14
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
11/19/2005 07:11:36 PM · #15
i'll share a story about one of our pilots:

We had worked together a few times and get along great but this was a new shift and we had a whole new crew to get to know. Day two of our 4 days out we had a long layover at our destination and rather than all of us slam clicking (hiding out in our hotel rooms) the pilot suggested we all go horse back riding!! We thought what a wonderful idea so off we go.. we're riding along having a wonderful time when we look over our shoulder at the pilot and he's sliding from one side of the horse.. sliding to the other side of the horse holding on for dear life screaming like a little girl...

Finally it got so bad.......

that we had to call the Walmart attendant to come over and unplug the machine

badum bump!! ;)
11/19/2005 07:29:40 PM · #16
lol
11/19/2005 07:29:46 PM · #17
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

11/19/2005 07:37:24 PM · #18
A texan,a new yorker and a bostonian were walking through the forest and got captured by Amazons. They were to be whipped. They were asked what they want on their backs. The new yorker said I want oil to help ease the pain. He took his whipping and cried. The texan said I want nothing and stood there in pride and took his whipping without a sound. It was the bostonian's turn, asked what he wanted on his back he replied......... I'll take the texan.
11/19/2005 07:39:34 PM · #19
Originally posted by jsas:

A texan,a new yorker and a bostonian were walking through the forest and got captured by Amazons. They were to be whipped. They were asked what they want on their backs. The new yorker said I want oil to help ease the pain. He took his whipping and cried. The texan said I want nothing and stood there in pride and took his whipping without a sound. It was the bostonian's turn, asked what he wanted on his back he replied......... I'll take the texan.


lol!
11/19/2005 08:09:55 PM · #20
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him .......is he still wrong?
11/19/2005 08:19:47 PM · #21
Dictionary of Dating

ATTRACTION... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
11/19/2005 08:21:40 PM · #22
farmer walks in to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and says this is the pig that I been having sex with , and his wife says , Hey thats a chicken , and he says I'm not talkin to you !!
11/19/2005 08:24:23 PM · #23
www.liggit.com has some funny jokes, quite a few are really dirty though. But, no pop-ups
11/19/2005 10:03:25 PM · #24
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass.
11/19/2005 10:06:38 PM · #25
Ten Top Things That Sound Dirty At The Office, But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before you leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.
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