Hi debitipton :)
First of all, I just want to say that your lighting is fantastic. The shadows around the eyes that you are concerned about can probably be fixed with a simple reflector (piece of white foam board or something of the sort). In this situation, the best idea would be to tripod mount, and then use a cable-release, remote, or self-timer so you can free up a hand or two to reflect the light where you'd like it. A good fill flash might also work, but that would take more work, and a decent flash.. and if you don't have one, the foam board is far cheaper :) Other than that, wow.. you've really nailed the lighting. Fantastic.
Second, Composition. This is where you differ from the chosen shot, and I'll explain why. First, the rule of thirds. In your daughter's chosen shot, you'll notice that the photographer has used the rule of thirds in order to get a more dynamic, full torso, portrait orientated shot. This gives much more room to play with, and allows the model more freedom of movement, and creates less of a "cramped" feel. This is often a personal choice thing, but as we're emulating here, I thought I'd bring it up. In your shot, you've got the model's face dead center, instead of in the upper third of the composition. This tends to "deaden" the composition some, and creates cramping, as you lose space for body language and dynamic feel. You can see in the Jinky Art photo that the play of the torso and the hands gives us a little more story, where in your shot, she's suddenly cut off from us and seems to sink into the ground. Just something to stay aware of.
Finally, Color. First of all, I'll say that I like the desaturated look here a lot. I use it all the time, and it really works for this photograph. I think you made a good decision to deviate from the Jinky Art shot here, as one of the main reasons *I* see for the more saturated color look in that shot is to complement the color of the girl's hair. Your desat work really helps complement your model's skin tones and help her stand out. Good job on that, and it's just something I noticed. The other thing was that I'm wondering if maybe a slightly more saturated color in her skin tones would help as well.. I don't know what her tones are like IRL, but I feel that a little more red/yellow boost could be beneficial. Something to try anyway.
Great work here, try to mess around with your compositional elements a little more.. but you've got some great work.
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